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The Sisyphus Myth: Cruel King Gets Eternal Punishment for Annoying Zeus

The Sisyphus Myth: Cruel King Gets Eternal Punishment for Annoying Zeus


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Doomed to forever roll a huge boulder up a steep hill, Sisyphus is a figure in Greek mythology who represents an impossible task. As his punishment in the Greek Underworld , each time Sisyphus neared the top of the hill, the boulder would miraculously roll itself down, forcing him to begin the task all over again. In other words, Sisyphus was punished to carry out this impossible task for all of eternity. But what did Sisyphus do to deserve this castigation?

For you linguistic aficionados out there, you may be interested to know that this mythological figure’s story is the inspiration for the word ‘Sisyphean’ – which is used to describe a task that can never be completed.

‘Sisyphus’ by Titian.

Who Was Sisyphus?

According to Greek mythology, Sisyphus was the founder and the first king of Ephyra (which is said to have been the original name of Corinth). He was the son of Aeolus, a king of Thessaly, and Enarete. Sisyphus is best known for being an extremely cunning person . In some later literary sources (i.e. after the epics of Homer), Sisyphus is regarded to be the father of Odysseus (whose father is traditionally said to be Laërtes), another figure in Greek mythology renowned for his cunning, through his seduction of Anticlea.

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Sisyphus apparently came to the attention of the gods when he broke xenia, which is the concept of hospitality and generosity that hosts are obliged to show to guests and travelers. In order to demonstrate that he was a ruthless king, Sisyphus had his guests killed on numerous occasions, thus violating xenia. This displeased Zeus, who was in charge of maintaining xenia. Nevertheless, Zeus only decided to take action against Sisyphus following a separate incident.

Zeus. ( CC BY SA 4.0 )

Sisyphus Cheats Death

The king of the gods had abducted Aegina, the daughter of Asopus, a river god who was the son of Poseidon. Sisyphus promised to reveal to Asopus what had happened to his daughter, on the condition that an eternal spring for his city was created. Thus, Zeus’ action was revealed.

Incensed by Sisyphus’ deed, Zeus ordered Thanatos, the personification of Death, to bring him to the Underworld. When Thanatos came for Sisyphus, he asked him how his chains worked. As Thanatos was showing the king how the chains worked, Sisyphus swiftly trapped him in his own chains instead.

As Death was now a prisoner of Sisyphus, no one could die. In the end, Ares, the god of war, had to intervene (wars were no longer “interesting” without anyone dying), and he freed Thanatos. In another version of the myth, it was Hades who was sent to fetch Sisyphus, though he was also tricked by the king.

Tantalus and Sisyphus in Hades (ca. 1850).

Once released, Thanatos / Hades completed his mission. The cunning Sisyphus, however, was able to cheat death once more. Knowing that he would not be able to keep Thanatos / Hades prisoner for long, he gave certain instructions to his wife, Merope, which were to be carried out when he had been taken to the Underworld. Instead of giving him a proper burial, Sisyphus told Merope to leave his corpse unburied, and to forgo the necessary funerary rites.

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Once he was in the Underworld, Sisyphus approached Persephone, and complained to her about what his wife had done to his body. He asked to be sent back to the realm of the living so that he could punish his wife. This request was granted, and Sisyphus returned to the mortal realm.

He went on to live to a ripe old age. In another version, Sisyphus did scold his wife for her negligence. But because he refused to return to the Underworld, he was dragged back there by Hermes.

The criminal Sisyphus is condemned to roll a rock up a hill for eternity in the Land of the Dead. The gods Hades and Persephone sit on either side of him, one holding bundles of wheat, the other a royal sceptre. (Carole Raddato/ CC BY SA 2.0 )

Zeus Gets Revenge on Sisyphus

Once in the Underworld, Zeus could have his vengeance on Sisyphus. To punish the king, and to dissuade other men from thinking that they too could make fools out of the gods, Zeus inflicted a rather bizarre punishment. Sisyphus was made to roll a large boulder up a steep hill.

Each time Sisyphus is close to completing his task; however, the rock magically rolls down on its own, and he has to start all over again, making it impossible for him to be freed from this punishment.

‘Sisyphus’ by Antonio Zanchi.

What is the Moral of the Sisyphus Story?

The eternal nature of Sisyphus’ futile task is certainly a terrible punishment. Yet these days some people have taken an interesting perspective on the meaning of the Sisyphus myth.

Instead of simply seeing the endless punishment of rolling the rock up the hill as proof that the vengeful Zeus triumphed over the cruel king , some people have interpreted this myth as a reminder for the need to persist when facing a valuable, but seemingly unsurmountable task. While Sisyphus may have deserved his punishment, there are people who believe that when challenges are seen, not as a punishment, just as a fact of life, one should face the difficulty, work hard, and never give up. Unlike in Sisyphus’ story, those people who put in the effort will have a result.


Tibetan buddhist death rituals

Peaceful Death, Joyful Rebirth: A Tibetan Buddhist Guidebook 3/6 Downloaded from www.dissolvetech.us on February 16, 2021 by guest Peaceful Death, Joyful Rebirth: A Tibetan Buddhist Guidebook Peaceful Death, Joyful Rebirth-Tulku Thondup 2006-12-12 Buddhism teaches that death can be a springboard to enlightenment—yet for all but As for those who do not know what Bardo is, they cannot benefit from the good advice of the lama. Despite of this, the masses have a much simpler belief. This book describes and analyses the structure and performance of Tibetan Buddhist death rituals, and situates that performance within the wider context of Buddhist death practices generally. In Tibet, there is the following saying: “Those who know how will live comfortably even in Hell”. As the bardo is generally said to last a maximum of 49 days, these rituals will usually last 49 days also. They have reached their goad when a straw can be placed in their hair in a straight standing position without falling. Still, the masses repeat the following creed: “All aggregates are ephemeral, there is no “I” in person”. This recommendation is made for the good of the spirit. This rebirth can be either in the same category of beings or in another. 12800 After this, the individual can be reborn as one of the six species of living beings known to Tibetans. She has always tried to find out the truth behind mysteries. Read More. 1932. The etymology of the word “rune” means: “to carve, or to cut.” In Low German the word is “raunen.” As the runes were cut and carved into wood, metal or stone, the word “rune” was analogous to the rune letters themselves. Where did King Arthur Acquire Excalibur, the Stone or the Lake? Is the Danube Valley Civilization script the oldest writing in the world? Source: Jumpot Tharungsri / Adobe. If a demon is responsible for the death, it may decide to attack other members of the same family or community. Despite of this, the masses have a much simpler belief. Usually, the spirit is blinded by this shining light. Drawing on a detailed and systematic comparative survey of existing records of Tibetan funerary practices, including historical travel accounts, anthropological and ethnographic literature, Tibetan … Ellen Bruno’s 2005 video record of a ‘sky burial’ at Drigung Monastery shows the disposal of several bodies to vultures but leaves unclear whether the additional rituals of benefit and protection were performed at the Monastery. Tibet – A History . The Western understanding of Tibetan Buddhist death rituals is hampered by a popular perception that it consists of two elements only: reading the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead, and giving the body to vultures to be consumed. The long read: What next for the US–Taliban ‘peace deal’? 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Should these be reversed, then it means that he or she is dead. Our open community is dedicated to digging into the origins of our species on planet earth, and question wherever the discoveries might take us. Listening to them instead of only ever talking. about Tara – Goddess of Compassion and Savior of the Suffering, Jaisalmer Fort: The Imposing Desert Fort With a Bone-Chilling Custom, The Column of Death at Mitla, Hugged by Mesoamericans For Millennia, Titanoboa: The Monster Snake that Ruled Prehistoric Colombia, Becerrillo: The Terrifying War Dog of the Spanish Conquistadors, 800-Year-Old Boomerang Discovered in Australian Creek, The Theopetra Cave and the Oldest Human Construction in the World. Food and drink are set out as offerings. Where Did the Polynesians Really Come From? In this sense, Jhator reflects the often universal belief that death is not the end. In Buddhism, the energy resulting from the mental and physical activity of an individual results in the appearance of new mental and physical processes after death. The goal of Ancient Origins is to highlight recent archaeological discoveries, peer-reviewed academic research and evidence, as well as offering alternative viewpoints and explanations of science, archaeology, mythology, religion and history around the globe. This book describes and analyses the structure and performance of Tibetan Buddhist death rituals, and situates that performance within the wider context of Buddhist death practices generally. What is most important at this time is for it to listen to the good advice of the lama. Death is a natural and inevitable part of the lifecycle, and the dying person should be made to accept this reality. The straw is actually inserted in this small crack. Other questions that remain unanswered concern the economic and social elements of the death rituals in Tibetan culture. Still, the masses repeat the following creed: “All aggregates are ephemeral, there is no “I” in person”. It is obvious that the ideas preached by philosophers are only understood by an elite. Martino Fine Books. A person who is dying and who is recently dead will have for example the Tibetan Book of the Dead read to them (in the Nyingma tradition) to help guide them through the transition period (Tib. Not only is the sequence of death rituals complex, there are many variations based on (among other things), the geographic area and ethnic group to which the deceased belonged, their tradition of practice within the four schools of Tibetan Buddhism (leaving aside Bon), their wealth, social status, and gender. Often the cremation (or burial) is preceded by other services. It is believed that as soon as the death of the body has taken place, the personality goes into a state of trance for four days. This cycle is considered to be dukkha, unsatisfactory and painful.The cycle stops only if liberation is achieved by insight and the extinguishing of craving. The. Tara is an important bodhisattva, i.e. In traditional Tibetan cultures, death is very rarely seen as natural but is believed to be the result of some kind of supernatural activity. Rituals at Tibetan Buddhist Dharma Centers: Chanting and Mantras Chanting. Rituals & Practices During Death. The University of Nottingham's Asia Research Institute brings together our world leading research and expertise concerning the major sustainable development challenges in Asia through engagement with practitioners and our partners in the region. The concept of reincarnation is a necessary doctrine of Tibetan Buddhism because beings undergo the karmic cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. ( prasith / Adobe). They believe in an entity which cannot be defined, but which journeys from one world to another in various for… According to the lamas, beings, through their thoughts and actions, can develop various affinities which lead to a certain condition of existence. To that end, Buddhist end of life rituals center around keeping the person calm, peaceful, and focused on the good deeds performed during hi… Tibetan Rituals of Death: Buddhist Funerary Practices by Margaret Gouin. The Sky burial represents an act of compassion, feeding the dead body which no longer has a function, to the sacred vultures as a final act of charity. Later on, however, Thebes fell to the Macedonians, and was eventually conquered by the Romans. Dr Margaret Gouin is an Honorary Research Fellow at the University of Wales Trinity Saint David. Ten amazing inventions from ancient times, The Man Who Stopped a Desert Using Ancient Farming, Ancient Egyptian Egg Ovens That Are Better Than Modern Tech, The ancient invention of the steam engine by the Hero of Alexandria, El Tajín, The Lost City of a Mysterious People, Remembering the Barbary Slaves: White Slaves and North African Pirates. Then, the moment comes for the spirit to be made to spring out of the body through the top of the head. Though it is thought to have evolved out of economical and practical reasons, the jhator funeral ritual is considered to be a path to rebirth. This book describes and analyses the structure and performance of Tibetan Buddhist death rituals, and situates that performance within the wider context of Buddhist death practices generally. Tibetan beliefs to this day include many ritual items and practices. Every death is followed by a rebirth. David-Neel, A. At one time it was thought that 1 in 6 Tibetan men were Buddhist … ( Maroš Markovič / Adobe). Then, when they feel that their time has come, they pronounce Hik! Death can come for all, for the gods, as well as for those lying in the purgatories in torment. Buddhism for Pet Lovers is about a lot more than only the death process for pets – although I do cover this in detail, including vital issues like euthanasia, the bardo period and rebirth. : jhator). Depending on the percentage of good or bad deeds, Shinje indicates the world and the form of the future reincarnation. This saying refers to the opinions on lamas regarding what is known as “thabs” meaning “the method”. After death, the body is handed over to monks, who recite prayers from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. The first looks at the certainty and imminence of death and what will be of benefit at the time of death, in order to motivate us to make the best use of our lives. Still, with or without “the method”, the soul can only act depending on the limits allowed by the power of the past deeds. There it sees luminous beings of supreme beauty as well as monstrous entities. Such a Hik! This includes placing a body in a hole dug in the ground, but also laying it on the surface of the ground and covering it with rocks. Immediately after death and again after disposal, the survivors engage in activities which are meant to generate ‘benefit’, a positive spiritual quality which may be dedicated to the benefit of the deceased and applied to their spiritual state to either enhance existing good karma or counteract existing bad karma. Another theory states that, through the mental processes and actions, a human or any other being can alter the nature of the substance of which it is made. Isa Vald has always been interested in history, archaeology, mythology, ancient mysteries and the supernatural. The first service may be held two days after the death, in the home of the bereaved. These are the consciousnesses that animate the senses. Tibetan Book of the Dead. Parallel to these activities, and occasionally overlapping, are a series of rituals and practices intended to protect the survivors from any harmful effects arising from the death. In Tibet they have a lot of interesting beliefs and rituals regarding death and the world beyond. In fact, Tibetan Buddhist funeral rites include a rich variety of practices with which Western scholarship — religious studies, anthropology, ethnography, sociology — has so far successfully avoided almost any serious engagement (the only comprehensive survey to date remains Tibetan Rituals of Death). The Tibetan Buddhist tradition has concentrated more attention on helping the dying person cross the borders of death than any other living religious tradition. Tibetan Rituals of Death: Buddhist Funerary Practices by Margaret Buddhist Studies Review ISSN (online) 1747-9681. The Cintamani Stone, or Chintamani, long sought by treasure hunters, has captured the imagination of man through the ages as tales of this wish-fulfilling jewel have spread around the world. China buys into corporate mergers, and proves better at it than the West, How the push to unite South-East Asia against Chinese expansionism could backfire. Traditionally this is said to happen after 49 days, although in fact the rituals do not often extend over such a long period. The lamas state the fact that the time between death and rebirth can be either long or short. Sitting in the desert with its towering golden-hued walls and imposing bastions, the 12th century Jaisalmer Fort certainly makes an impact. Failure to do so, after all, may result in an indignant and disruptive ghost haunting the family home and ruining the family fortunes. There are even those who can force their spirit at the top of the head. The lama will then explain how the different types of consciousness leave the individual. This judge is inflexible and impartial. Tibetan Death Rituals After death, the body is handed over to monks, who recite prayers from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. This is how a spirit can attain the state of nirvana. Tibet: Turning the Wheel of Life . Norimitsu Odachi: Who Could Have Possibly Wielded This Enormous 15th Century Japanese Sword? can be uttered after Hik! Here we offer some brief guidelines for the curious onlooker. In some versions of the story of King Arthur, Excalibur is regarded to be the same sword as the Sword in the Stone. In general, Buddhist funeral rituals take place within a week of death and the deceased is usually cremated. Genesis-Revelations The life cycle of the World, Ancient Civilisations Are Over 350,000 Years Old, about The History of the Tibetan Empire and Its Dazzling Rise to Prominence, about Ruins of the Tribal Nanzhao Culture Speak of Buddha, about Denisovan DNA in Tibetan Cave Changes History of Early Humans in Asia, about Intricacy and Reflection: Transforming Mandalas from Sacred Designs to Art Therapy. Death and Dying in the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition In Tibet the day of death is thought of as highly important. Pommaret, F. 2003. Lamas believe that this journey is nothing more than a series of subjective visions. Its historical value is also recognized, with one particularly chilling custom having taken place within its walls at least three times. There are two common meditations on death in the Tibetan tradition. Routledge,. only when the lama is officiating near a dead body. The first thing which a lama must do to help a dying person is to do his best so that the respective person does not fall asleep or enter a coma. Listening to them instead of only ever talking. In Tibetan Buddhist death literature it is said that at the moment of falling asleep one experiences a moment of clear light like the one that arises at the time of death. Ancient Origins © 2013 - 2021Disclaimer - Terms of Publication - Privacy Policy & Cookies - Advertising Policy - Submissions - We Give Back - Contact us. The respective species are: the gods the non-gods – a type of titans humans non-humans – including here the jinn, spirits, fairies and other such entities, some of which are good and some of which are evil animals the yidags – monstrous beings which are always hungry and thirsty and the inhabitants of the various purgatories who are always suffering in their worlds. Finally, a great deal of artistic enterprise was involved in the various rituals, from having thangkas painted and scriptures copied to generate merit for the deceased, to the dances performed at funeral rituals and sculpting memorial tsa-tsas without the ability to engage in these pursuits, a great deal of cultural activity (often of a ‘folk’ nature) risks disappearing without people outside Tibet even knowing about it. While the funerary ceremonies take place the spirit travels through Bardo. These are lama initiates and some of them can even cause their own deaths in this way. They may not even be able to hear this advice. This book describes and analyses the structure and performance of Tibetan Buddhist death rituals, and situates that performance within the wider context of Buddhist death practices generally. Equally, if the proper rituals are not performed, the deceased may return such returning ghosts are always understood to be ill-intentioned and must be exorcised. Death and Dying in the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition In Tibet the day of death is thought of as highly important. They can show us the trajectory of after-death experience or shed light on the unwanted experiences we have throughout our lives. Grove Press. and Phet! This sword was wielded by the legendary King Arthur, and magical properties were often ascribed to it. However, sky burial is not the only funeral ritual in Tibet. In Buddhism, the energy resulting from the mental and physical activity of an individual results in the appearance of new mental and physical processes after death. The sound Phet! Tara – Goddess of Compassion and Savior of the Suffering. The explanation lies in the fact that, by correctly pronouncing the Hik! ( Microgen / Adobe ). sound in a correct voice. Death and dying is an important subject in Tibetan Buddhism as it is a most critical period for deciding which karma will ripen to lead one to the next rebirth, so a proper control of the mind at the death process is considered essential. According to Tibetan beliefs regarding burials and death, which is based on the Buddhist belief of reincarnation and transmigration, the soul leaves the body at the moment of death. Tibetan Death Rituals. As for the lama, he counsels the deceased to go and start his or her journey without looking behind. If government pressures have reduced the possibility of these rituals being performed, the religious organisations have lost considerable income. This must be guarded against. Rituals at Tibetan Buddhist Dharma Centers A Guide for Relating to Ritual Practice in Tibetan Buddhism. The Tibetan Buddhist teachings on the bardos can be a flashlight to illuminate the darkness of ignorance, and therefore illuminate the fear. Ritual Implements in Tibetan Buddhism: A Symbolic Appraisal Article of the Month - June 2001 Rites and rituals are an essential part of Tibetan religion and reflect its practical side. By bringing together top experts and authors, this archaeology website explores lost civilizations, examines sacred writings, tours ancient places, investigates ancient discoveries and questions mysterious happenings. Magic and Mystery in Tibet . The corpse is either cremated or dismembered and fed to vultures (Tib. The Milesians: Mythic Origins of the Ancient Irish, Nabu: Ancient Mesopotamian God of Scribes and Wisdom, Hidden in Plain Sight: The Pterodactyl of New Guinea, The Real Story of Medusa: Protective Powers from a Snake-Haired Gorgon, The Sisyphus Myth: Cruel King Gets Eternal Punishment for Annoying Zeus, An Unbreakable Story: The Lost Roman Invention of Flexible Glass. Where wood is plentiful, the body may be burned on a pyre but even where there is little wood, cremation may still be accomplished by putting the bundled-up body into a specially-built oven, where the air draft intensifies the flame available from (usually) soft-wood fuel. This is all like a dream which the spirit makes for itself being influenced by its tendencies and by its past activities. The first service may be held two days after the death, in the home of the bereaved. Other beliefs claim that the great mass of those who have not managed to attain enlightenment travel frightened through Bardo until they reach the tribunal of Shinje, the judge of the dead. Then, it can be drawn back by its false ideas and conceptions, by its attachment to the existence as an individual and by the pleasures of the senses. for themselves. Thus one of the most important parts of the death rites is reading a text to guide that consciousness towards a fortunate rebirth (this is by no means limited to the so-called ‘Tibetan Book of the Dead’, which is only one of many hundreds if not thousands of similar texts). The popular image of the light-skinned European hunter-gatherer is not correct. In this way the spirit becomes frightened and disoriented. This impartial judge analyses their past deeds in the mirror in which they are reflected, or he weighs them as black and white pebbles. The often elaborate rituals required to ensure a fortunate rebirth for the deceased were usually performed by either monastics or lamas, and since such activities were often many and costly, they formed a major source of revenue for the religious professionals. The form of disposal most associated with Tibetan Buddhism in Western perceptions is the so-called ‘sky burial’, which is neither burial nor in the sky, but consists of exposing the body to be eaten by scavengers. An unusual and rare form of disposal, generally reserved for persons of great spiritual attainment, is mummification. This fort has two important titles - the oldest desert fort in the world and the second oldest of all of Rajasthan’s forts. After this, the disciples must practice the pronunciation of the Hik! In Tibet death ritual the lama counsels the deceased to proceed with the journey without looking back. There does not appear to be much in the way of long-term memorialisation of the deceased. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Thomas Laird, T. 2007. Interference with the ongoing flow of exchange might operate to destabilise traditional social arrangements. In a Tibetan Buddhist burial ritual, it is believed that the physical body is just an empty vessel after death, which is then followed by rebirth. Although ashes from cremation may be formed into small sculptures (tsa-tsa) and placed in shrines and other sacred spots, little seems to be done to mark the memory of particular deceased after the first year or so. © 2018 Asia Research Institute van Schaik, S. 2013. In general, Buddhist funeral rituals take place within a week of death and the deceased is usually cremated. It is said that many actually do this. Friends and family should help the dying person reflect on his or her good deeds in this life, and the power those good deeds will have over his or her next incarnation. For Tibetan Buddhists, heaven is believed to be a place where soul or spirit await reincarnation.. A nebulous rumour that Chinese soldiers deliberately killed vultures, presumably to prevent giving the body to carrion birds, has never been substantiated that I am aware of. Ordinary people have a superstitious belief in this regard. If the lama is only practicing the ritual, then he must never add Phet! It is the most widespread way for commoners to deal with the dead in Tibet.Scene of Sky Burial in Larung Gar Buddhist AcademyProcedures of Sky Funeral Tibeta.Preparation And Mantra Chanting If a Tibetan dies, the corpse is wrapped in white Tibetan cloth and plac… We’re the only Pop Archaeology site combining scientific research with out-of-the-box perspectives. Tibetan Buddhism upholds the concept of Reincarnation. In this way, the respective lama can have the correct intonation and the physical strength which are needed for a successful operation. 182pp., hb. This can become an expensive undertaking, and historically it has not been unusual for families to beggar themselves in order to give the deceased a ‘meritorious’ funeral. ( BenStudioPRO / Adobe). At the mention of Tibetan funeral customs, sky burial (celestial burial) would pop into our mind immediately. Yale University Press. Drawing on a detailed and systematic comparative survey of existing records of Tibetan funerary practices, including historical travel accounts, anthropological and ethnographic literature, Tibetan … It is said that, immediately after leaving the body, the spirits gets the flickering intuition of the supreme reality. The extraction of the spirit is made by the lama when he pronounces the ritual sounds Hik! The traditions associated with the 49 days after death in Buddhism derive from “The Tibetan Book of the Dead,” also known as the “Bardo Thodol.” Tibetan Buddhists use this book to help guide their consciousness toward rebirth after they die. The straw must stay there for as long as the disciple wants it to.

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Reading Abbey: Brainchild of King Henry I

Henry I, the youngest son of William the Conqueror , became King of England in 1100 after the death of William II, the next in line to be the successor to the throne. William II was emerging as the ruler of England and Normandy however, his untimely death allowed Henry I to claim the throne and bring about the unification of England and Normandy. Within a few years, Henry I stabilized England and made barons, nobles, and bishops swear homage to his son William as the heir. However, Henry I’s son was killed in a ship accident in 1120 which left Henry I heirless. King Henry I died in 1135, without knowing what would become of his kingdom and his lavish Reading Abbey.


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For various writers' Wild Mass Guesses about the nature of three of the main characters in actual works, see God Is Evil, Satan is Good, and Jesus Was Crazy. For those exclusively available on this very Wiki, see WMG.God, WMG.Jesus and WMG.Satan.

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  • The book of Matthew mentions an eternal hell as well. What we don't know for sure is if most humans stay in there forever in a conscious state or not.
  • If John put a disclaimer, he could've been caught, Christianity would be in even more danger and history would be irrevocably altered. John couldn't have known something like this would happen, and it won't be anyone's problem for another 500 years.

Take Jesus' commandment of Forgiveness, and the theory of Universal Reconciliation. and realize that the Prodigal Son himself is Satan, who was also meant to be redeemed. In Paradise Lost Hell is suspiciously easy to sneak out of, and both God and Lucifer mention that the fallen angels would be accepted back to heaven in a heartbeat if they asked God for forgiveness. The only reason they don't (and won't) is the pride that made them fall in the first place.

If this is the case, then where the younger son asks for his inheritance. he was demanding to have Earth, acquiring the world made him "the god of this age" hence why he has mastery over it, and tried to foolishly tempt Jesus/God (aka "god of all ages") with it. The current age of misery, sin, death and suffering we're in, is Lucifer squandering away his god-given fortune (the word "prodigal" after all means "wastefully extravagant"), until all is destroyed, and he has nothing.

He eventually gives up the Self-Inflicted Hell of "

  • Perhaps His sacrifice for humanity's sin isn't a very effective idea.
  • Alternatively, because people continue sinning and have all but forgotten about the whole sacrifice thing.

Adam and Havah (Eve) were the first humans to achieve true sentience. The Serpent was the Lone One in its guise as the Old Serpent. Humanity tried to become "as gods", but were also wary enough to build an extra component into their choice: a demand that they could remake it as a group someday later.

Since they did choose the Entropy option, we can never fully remake our Choice, but groups of people can band together to partially remake it. The various occasions on which we've done so result in what we call religions.

Thus, the Torah, and later the Qur'an, are in fact condensed forms, for those whose eyes can see, of the Book of Night With Moon and the universe's Manual.

  • Actually, some christians pretty much see everything as a form of Stockholm Syndrome (most especially St. Paul, hence why Nietzsche hated the bastard). Sure, if you join God you become his obedient pet who will go to a place where sin (and thus free will) is impossible, but if you go otherwise and enjoy it, you are a slave to sin who is going to Hell. And the sin thing pretty much extends to science or buddhism or self-interest or sex or whatever. Disregarding fundamentalists, this "slave to sin's stockholm syndrome" assumption is pretty much obsolete, with more and more Christians opting for the "Eternal Separation from God with full consent" alternative, and the conception itself being parodied in the form of A Hell of a Time.
  • Every fill out the Universal Mary Sue Test for Jesus? Heck, it's church canon that Jesus is an author insert.
    • When I did him (assuming the author is Matthew), he got a 98. For perspective, the worst score the site bothers to list is a fifty

    Yahweh, according to 1 Kings and Psalms, is supposed to dwell in darkness, and solar worship is Heresy and thus punishable by death in either the Bible or the Qu'ran, not to mention that in abrahamic tradition there is no angel of the Sun (the closest being Shamshel, but that is meant to be a personification of the day there's a huge difference), and Lucifer means "the light bringer" or the "morning star". What star is the most visible in the morning? Answer: The Sun. Either that, or the Sun is Hell/Lake of Fire.

    • God created the Sun, so even if there is a bad spirit over it, it is overall pointless, much like Satan currently ruling over Earth.
    • Oddly enough, it seems that Shamshel in abrahamic theology, despite being said to be "the angel of the Sun", is still a fallen angel. So yes, Yahweh has an enemy in the Sun.
    • So that's why Roman Catholicism has a grimdark feeling over it.
      • And also why Evil is "Hot".
        • Not to mention the unsettling demeanor of a children's televisionicon.
        • Yes.
        • Wait a minute! Morning star is actually Venus not Sun. This also makes perfect sense because many scientists describe surface of Venus as something like Hell.
        • Venus is beautiful when you look at it, but behind that is the face of a monster. sounds like Satan to me!
        • But most "demons" like Moloch and Nergal are solar deities.
        • Yes, but The Bible regards them as demons. So no, they aren't the Sun.
        • Evil Is Sexy goes further when you consider that Venus represents the Goddess Aphrodite/Venus for Classical myths and Inanna/Ishtar for Sumerian/Babylonian myths, with these two being goddesses of sexuality and fertility, PERFECT for giving in to desire.
        • Hey, all the heavy elements were created in the cores of stars and expelled in supernovae - we're star stuff - this adds a whole new dimension to being "cast out of the garden of Eden".
        • Hydrogen (star fuel) is God. That explains why he's the One: he has only one proton in him. Also, if you search for Greek philosophy, Hydrogen is also shaped like the "Monad" (symbol for oneness/god).
          • Therefore by definition hydrogen is evil? That adds a new dimension to the Hindenburg inferno and the H-bomb.

          The latter is obvious because Jesus is also associated with Venus in the Bible. The first is an idea brought about by Hermetic ideology Lucifer represents the intellectual light, while Christ represents the spiritual light.

          • Jesus and the Sun are both actually the Unconquered Sun. Lucifer is the Morning Star. But the Evening Star is Venus, the Maiden of Serenity.
          • That's a really bizarre Unreliable Narrator then, since it was never written from his perspective even the parts with him in it.
            • He was imagining his life as a book.
            • The secret is that he's still dying, and we're all figments of his imagination .
              • Waking Life, anyone?
              • Well he was whipped 39 times, beaten, dehydrated, crucified, and then stabbed in the heart with a spear. So if he managed to just sleep that off than he's either Holy, or Rasputin. Either way he went fishing with his buddies afterwards. So.
                • Also lets not forget that guards were put near Christ's grave specifically to avert body snatching or similar accidents. And yet.
                • Of course, the big kicker if this WMG is true is that it confirms once and for all that Christianity should be elliminated as a faith of liars, since without Jesus's actual, physical ressurection, much of Christian belief, particularly in the important topic of salvation is rendered moot, not to mention several tasty theological tidbits such as how the material world is good through a physical Resurrection.
                • God, what You see in Your presence is a He-Man Woman Hater. What You do with him is . up to You, I guess?
                • Now I'm picturing God and Satan as Dexter and Dee Dee.
                • Or (and I hope this is relevant enough to jamb under here) perhaps the creation stories (uh, I mean, story. ) were just something God made up to explain things to people who still hadn't figured out to be careful around women in veils. Just like the stork, only with a firmament and your daughter-in-law. wait&mdash
                • Or Gods did make everything in 7 days, but then decided a cooler backstory was needed for better ratings.
                • To this editor, the story of Eve being made from Adam's rib always sounded like the evolution of an asexual lifeform into a sexual one.
                  • Its actually more about symbolism due to rib being close to heart. As Matthew henry says "The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved." d'awwww
                  • "Evening came, and morning followed. " . and Morning and Evening marked the periods when ancient Hebrews were allowed to labor. So, seven periods of work.
                  • Wait. "The Creation story could easily be a prescientific person's interpretation of how Life, the Universe and Everything formed?" And if creation took seven days. but only six days of doing anything. Seven times six. My mind is blown like the H-bomb in the above WMG.
                  • Maybe God an Satan used to date. I mean, there is something of the flavor of a sour romantic relationship here.
                    • That would mean God is gay, since they're both a gender I can't describe.That could explain a lot.
                    • The previous troper has been misinformed. Point to me where it says Adam & Eve would be struck dead as soon as they ate the fruit. You can't because it's not in the Bible. What God tells Adam is that they will die, but he doesn't say when. Satan on the other hand being the devious fellow he is, twists God's words, making it seem as though He meant instant death. When they don't instantly die, Adam & Eve are convinced the 'serpent' knew something they didn't and the rest is history.
                      • That's getting rather semantic, don't you think? Especially for the innocent children Adam and Eve were presented as. "Do this and you die" is generally interpreted as immediately. I would say both the serpent and God hid the whole truth. How does this make one better?
                      • "Do this and you die" might hold a different meaning if someone is immortal.
                      • "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."&mdashGenesis 2:17, King James Version.
                      • Ah, but that raises a deeper question could a being without self-awareness and knowledge of right and wrong ever really grow to understand the implications? Would they ever be ready for any sort of "rite of passage"? Remember, Adam and Eve are painted as basically animals before they eat from the tree (sure, they talk, but apparently, so do the other creatures in the garden). Could they ever really grow to understand the consequences of eating from the tree without eating from the tree in the first place?
                        • Indeed, in Paradise Lost, part of the serpent's argument is that "God said you'd die. But what's this 'death' thing anyway?"
                        • The other animals talk in the same way a ventriloquist's dummy does. Satan was a very powerful cherub (no not the fat baby kind) who could do extraordinary things with that power. Besides, Adam & Eve obviously already had free will if they could CHOOSE to listen to the serpent and eat the fruit. And about the death part, Adam & Eve had existed for ? unrecorded years. Who knows how many animals they saw die of old age. They used 100% of their perfect brains. If we can go to the moon with >10%, I'm sure they could have understood death.
                        • We went to the moon with a 100% of hundreds of people's collective brains and a good chunk of physics and astronomy knowledge from Newton and Copernicus all the way to the 60's. Perfect brains are useless without knowledge. They might understand the concept of death, just like three year olds might understand the concept of serendipity, but how are they to be expected to connect the word with the event, if they had not bothered to name it themselves? They could have thought it was a long sleep, for all we know. Isn't that how its explained to children?
                        • So Adam and Eve were in the grip of permenant seizures? That explains alot.
                        • It was implied that childbirth was ALREADY painful, God just increased humanity's birthing pain. Not only that, but it was flat out said that Adam did a lot of the work with naming the animals, and Eve was created to be his partner. And we have no idea what is meant by serpent. Something may be a serpent, but it's possible for it to not be a snake. Ancient Hebrew is a weird language.
                        • Along those same lines, the story can be interpreted as an allegory about the passage from childhood to adulthood. Remember, for all intents and purposes, Adam and Eve were children, and innocent ones at that. Like a child, they did not understand the intricate details of good and evil, and like a child, were easily lead astray by the serpent's words. Once they ate of the forbidden fruit (puberty?), they now HAD to leave Eden (i.e. childhood) and take up adult responsibilities Adam now had to work for his own food and provide for his own family, rather than be provided for by a "parent", and Eve now had to take up the responsibilities that came with being an adult female, including experiencing pain in childbirth (which, I might add and as far as I know, happens across the board with most adult female mammals, and which we are never told DIDN'T happen before the fall). Genesis is essentially a creation myth that also serves as a parable about coming into adulthood, as like the Garden of Eden, you can never return to childhood.
                        • It may be painful for most adult female mammals, but humans have it particularly bad. Our hips are very narrow proportionate to the size of our babies, causing increased pain- but that's a structural necessity to allow for bipedal locomotion. So, either God tweaked the laws of physics to make hips narrower, or God was putting magic painkillers in Eden's fruit, which doesn't seem all that out there, come to think of it.
                        • And as teenagers, we are often bitter about the responsibilities thrust upon us, thus the Adam and Eve story is presented negatively?
                        • That, or what's more likely, Lucifer had one hell of a personality cult around him, with the angels getting really caught up in his rhetoric.
                        • Or, the rebellion was staged, at the behest of God, for the benefit of humans. After all, what's the point of giving humans free will if you don't give them two sides to choose from?
                          • Strawman Political, perhaps? Better your enemies side with the enemy you know (and guide) than strike out on their own and ruin your Batman Gambit.
                          • Indeed, there are some related religions, such as the Yazidis, who hold (this is a very rough approximation) that God is really only interested in the act of creation, and once that was done, the corporeal universe lost interest for Him, and he gave it to their equivalent of Satan to reign over.
                          • Satan is also eerily similar to Prometheus. Think about it. Both gave mortals something to enhance their lives against the direct orders of the god in power, and both were damned to eternal punishment as a result. The only difference is that Prometheus was freed eventually.
                            • The differences: Zeus had ordered Prometheus not to give fire to man no command was given against man discovering control of fire on his own. God ordered man not to eat from the tree no command was given against Satan tempting man. Also, Satan lied Prometheus didn't (probably why the latter eventually got free). Also also, Adam & Eve could've lived quite happily in Eden forever without the responsibility of conscience given by the fruit the ancient Greeks, however, would've been foraging in the wilderness whether they had fire or not, so the additional tool really was a help. Also also also, Zeus didn't want man to have fire because he was a petty douche this wasn't the only one of Olypmus's luxuries he kept from humanity. God, however, had only given the humans one rule, only one, & they still broke it.
                            • The one rule covers a pretty big umbrella "don't know" - i.e., don't think, don't feel, don't choose, don't make mistakes, and, by extension, don't redeem yourself. This goes against human nature, so A & E became human by eating that fruit.
                            • The Tree of Knowledge of GOOD AND EVIL people. stop leaving that part out. They could obviously choose (they ate the apple) and feel (the snake did appeal to their feelings).
                            • ^^^^ in the original hebrew the name of the Tree could also be the Tree of Knowledge of Everthing. And when you were a child could you choose? If you were manipulated by an expert? Could you feel?
                            • Technically the serpent is a form of animism given where the faith was founded, and how poisonous snakes are. Poisoning was an underhanded form of warfare at that time a form of deception. So in other words, the whole Garden of Eden was an allegory to humankind learning the ways of warfare. The fruit of knowledge of life and death was exactly that. Knowledge to save or end lives. The beast, and dragon were most likely integrated from other religions.
                            • Which certainly counts as tacit collusion. C'mon, really he's God. If he really wanted to prevent it he could've stopped it with an eyeblink.
                              • Or said "NO" from the get go, as Satan more or less asked permission.
                              • I have long thought something similar. The Roman soldiers express surprise that Jesus died so quickly, and the two thieves crucified with him are still alive and need to be finished off. He gets buried rather quickly. His followers make several visits to his tomb after he is buried, bringing herbs and such to anoint his body. Herbs and such were what passed for medicine in those days, so perhaps they were not embalming a dead body, but healing a live one? After three days, Jesus has recovered enough to stumble out of the tomb, the sight of which event scares away the Roman soldiers guarding it. His followers show up with more medicine, and are surprised he's already gone. A few days later, Jesus, in disguise so the Romans don't catch him and finish him off properly this time, meets up again with his followers. He's still pretty badly injured, to the extent of having still-open wounds. After making a couple of semi-public appearances to cement his reputation as having rose from the dead, Joseph of Arimathea and Mary Magdalene (the first provided the tomb, the second was a key member of the group bringing herbs to the tomb all the time, and thus likely in on the scheme from the beginning) sneak him off to Gaul (inspiring The Da Vinci Code Grail conspiracy theories in the process) where he can live out a retirement somewhere the local Romans don't know what he looks like and aren't looking for him. Meanwhile, his followers back in Palestine are taking full advantage of his reputation for resurrection to expand their small cult into a mass movement. These followers demand their new converts donate all their wealth to the church, but seem perpetually impoverished themselves, since a big cut of their takings are being sent to Jesus and Mary Magdalene in their retirement villa in what will one day be the South of France.
                                • Jossed by the spear through his side and his bleeding "blood and water," or pericardial fluid, a sure sign of death. Besides which, there was a rather large piece of rock in front of his tomb that a man in his prime couldn't be expected to move, let alone a drugged half-dead one.
                                  • The testaments were written at least, for their life spans, a generation later, and didn't Longinus "convert" afterwards? He was in on it, dude. Either the water was added later, like the "vinegar" to through off suspicion or it was setup somehow. As for the stone, we hear it was moved by Jesus' followers, wait. If several men moved it there, several men in a conspiracy moved it away later.
                                  • . or (disregarding the guards at the tomb) as a third possibility, he, or a bystander, reported faithfully what happened. Most of this page works from the assumption that Biblical canon is canon, after all.
                                  • Stage magic and fake blood. Crucified victims also had ropes to hold their limbs, in case the nails-through-flesh wasn't sturdy enough by itself (which it frequently wasn't). The "blood from his side" was a bladder of goats' blood. Conclusion: South Park was wrong, JESUS IS DAVID BLAINE.
                                  • Hey, considering everything else he could do.
                                  • In Purgatory
                                  • Two problems with that: 1)Christian doctrine marks all people as God's creations, but only believers as the children of God in the sense you are using, and 2) Jesus is called the only begotten son of God. Another reference in the scriptures states that those who believed were 'given the power to be called the sons of God', which sounds to me like a reasonably good description of a legal adoption.
                                    • Psalm 82:6 explicitly states that humans are "gods and sons of most high". Also, Jesus is Second Adam, so humans being sons of God applies to us due to this.
                                    • Also: Jesus is God, whereas we are just human.
                                      • Jesus was both fully God and fully Man. Your argument is invalid.
                                      • A more common Epileptic Tree is that the Ark was a huge electrical capacitor, based on certain descriptions of its construction and appearance, and its tendency to apparently fry the unworthy (or rather, the uninsulated) with "lightning". What this amount of battery power was meant to be used for is completely up to speculation.
                                        • It is worth noting that the Smiting-the-unworthy incidents mainly happen when the Ark is outdoors or had recently been so: when exposed to blowing dust and sand an object of the Ark's described construction would build up a considerable static charge.
                                          • So, the "Don't touch my ark" rule was God saying "Don't stick the fork in the socket"?
                                          • Ever read the bit where David is taking the Ark back to Jerusalem, it starts falling off the chariot, some footsoldier pushes it back on, and God immediately kills the guy? Should he have really just let it fall to the road?
                                          • Yes. The Ark was designed to be lifted on two sturdy rods underneath it. Chances are, it would not have broken, just scratched.

                                          The "God's loyal Jerkass" and the "enemy of God and mankind" Satan are, however, the same being. The idea is that his rebellion didn't come "in the beginning" - it was a private rebellion that occurred while Jesus was fasting in the desert. Satan got it into his head that, since his duty was to test people for God, who better to apply it to than God's Son? Jesus passed muster, but God was not amused. Satan was cast out, and become not the loyal tester but the enemy, using the skills of his previous office to drive people away from God.

                                          I admit I don't know the Bible well enough to state that there was definitely no other depiction of Satan as a fallen angel before the Gospels the verse "O Lucifer, Son of the Morning, how art thou fallen from Heaven?" comes to mind, but most scholars I've heard say that this is about Nebuchadnezzar. Oh, and the serpent was someone else entirely - maybe just a run-of-the-mill talking snake who got uppity.

                                          • Isaiah Chapter 14 verses 3-23. The whole passage where that appears is the rant God wants Isaiah to yell at Nebuchadnezzar when the Israelites are freed from their latest stint in bondage. Satan doesn't make an appearance, it is just a symbolic reference to a contemporary legend about the morning star.
                                            • Satan as a fallen angel isn't from the Bible at all, it was an early-Medieval concept.
                                              • The Book of Job does say that even Angels falter. It just doesn't go into any specifics on which ones did, unless your count Enoch, Jubilees or the Dead Sea Scrolls too.
                                              • There is a serious lack of Kung Fu in the Bible.
                                                • Adaptation Decay.
                                                • What about Samson?
                                                • What about The Gospel According to Biff?
                                                • Alternatively, being the extent to which one labels the nastier parts Fanon Discontinuity, and can thus be considered to be a stalwart believer. But your guess of this test, I admit, is a test more secret than mine view.

                                                For instance, when God trashed Sodom and Gomorrah, it wasn't because they were sexual deviants, but because they were notoriously ruthless and suspicious towards strangers they wouldn't let the angels go until they had "known" (aka "gang-raped") them, even turning down an offer to get it on with Lot's daughters. Clearly, if it was just the sex part of their indignities and not the savage rapist mob mentality they had, I don't think they would've been so severely punished, or if God really is ruthless, then Ancient Greece (more infamous for homosexuality than Sodom will ever be) would be nothing more than one big smoking crater (Ergo, no Western Civilization and Democracy as we know it).

                                                Also, His commandments against non-heterosexual sex in Exodus could be easily explained away by the fact that His people were few and scattered, and He needed them to breed and flourish to ensure they survived. And the sin of that one prophet, Onan, who refused God's order to impregnate his sister-in-law by "spilling his seed" instead? It wasn't the act that was sinful, but the fact that he did it in direct defiance of God's order (to elaborate: Onan wanted children only for himself, HE IS NOT A PROPONENT OF CONTRACEPTION, but did not want to impregnate his sterile brother's wife so his brother can have Onan's children, as God had ordered. Yes, God told Onan to get involved in netorare so that his brother can have an inheritor. Thus, even associating Onan with masturbation is just Guilt by Association, ala "Hitler is a wanker").

                                                These seem to indicate that God Himself isn't opposed to the kinky sex we enjoy, now, just so long as it doesn't screw with our lives or those of others around us the growing number of homosexuals nowadays could be God's way of telling us that his command to "be fruitful and multiply" has served its purpose and we can stop breeding for the sake of breeding. Besides, what explains the creation and existence of penile nerves and the clitoris (which feels good yet have no reproductive purpose)? If God absolutely hates sexual pleasure and adheres to the No Sex Allowed rule then he should have replaced our penises and vaginas with the far more formal eggs and spermatophores during Genesis.

                                                • It actually does say in Leviticus that men should not have sex with men (right alongside the parts that tell you to sacrifice animals, referred to sea creatures without scales or fins as eldritch abominations (e.g., shellfish), and allowed you to beat your wife and slaves and kill off disobedient children (e.g., most teenagers nowadays) or sell off your daughter to slavery. There's a reason why the west has a good reason to argue that Jesus essentially cancelled out OT law). Lesbians, however, are not mentioned, so God is apparently a Yuri Fan.
                                                  • This fits with the above idea that God was a teenager during this time.
                                                  • Then again, that entire section in Leviticus only outlines the bad sex things men do, with women only mentioned/punished when they get taken down from the men. So either women can do anything they want sexually, or it's just an expression of the low social status of women at the time.
                                                  • Lesbians are mentioned by description (or at least implicated) in one of the more-commonly cited passages from the New Testament, Romans 1:26-27. But it's more of a Word of Dante and backlash against the decadence of Rome.
                                                  • Maybe not to us, today, using a modern definition of "sin" which revolves around personal choice and free will. But at that place and time, yes, they definitely were thought of as sinful, shameful, and unclean.
                                                    • To be fair, periods and wet dreams are still unclean. Just not spiritually unclean. And you have to take in consideration what the other people were doing at the time. Canaanites were okay with child sacrifices, so who knows what kind of twisted stuff they did sexually. And the Romans (The Beautiful Elite to us) were in fact okay with stuff like bestiality, incest, paedophilia, netorare, multiple mistresses, compulsive wanton cheating that the multiple spouses all knew about and were okay with, drunken mass orgies, seppuku, sex slavery, some of the most humiliating tortures ever (crucifixion for example, and it's imposed on "slaves!"), gang rapes, rape as comedy, rape as drama, rape as love, raping in general (their chief god Zeus/Jupiter is a God of Rape and proud of it, and "Rape" is Latin for taking by force, e.g. abduction and looting, so in a sense the Roman Empire "raped" much of the world and "raped" gold and possessions while they raped women and raped children and raped slaves) guro and cannibalism (told you it was twisted), and other nasty stuffthat would have surpassed /b/ and hentaiand would have instantly created Slaanesh (God of the most unimaginable squickiest sensual pleasures you never know even existed) if given the chance. That is why fundies were so ardent about homosexual sex: they're the equivalent of the Exodites.
                                                    • The only reason we "know" the Canaanites were into that stuff is because their most fervent enemies, who were intent on killing them and stealing their land, said so. There's no actual historical evidence for it.
                                                    • The Greeks and Romans wrote about it too, and archaeologists have discovered evidence in Carthage, which was a Canaanite-descended culture.
                                                    • Regardless of morality it can't really be called cheating if everyone involved knows about and is okay with it.
                                                    • The part about "lying with a man as one does a woman" calls to mind "straight men who have sex with men," ie, male prostitution.
                                                    • Thou shalt not eat of the shellfish, because it has been stored in the desert heat for many hours. Thou shalt neither cockblock nor sleep with another Bro's woman, and leading by example, the Messiah shall abstain from "knowing" women, If Thou Knowest What The Lord Thy Bro Means in order to follow the first rule while allowing his Bro-thren to follow the second. Thou wilst not be a wing-Man-prophet to any but The Lord thy Bro. Thou shalt refer to The Lord thy Bro in the familiar form, hence all the "thou"s. Thou shalt know of the Three-Day Rule, as usual, the Messiah will be setting an example.
                                                      • Made of Win

                                                      God needed the humans to become self-aware, but it couldn't be that they've become like that because he ordered, because that's not self-awareness. So he created a convoluted and rather complex plot that involved making the humans think they were actually disobeying him. So he planted the tree in the center of Eden &mdash why, would you think, such an obvious place, after all? &mdash and told them that it was forbidden to eat.

                                                      Adam and Eve were taking too long to complete the deed, so Lucifer decided to lend a hand and speed things up. Obviously, God saw what happened and was aware that it wasn't all their fault, and they were only expelled because it was part of the "self-awareness" process(see WMG Proposition 2). Lucifer was later rewarded by gaining his own kingdom outside Heaven, as well as one third of God's angels to follow him. After all, when someone tried to assume power, what kind of punishment it is to actually give him power?

                                                      Adam and Eve couldn't have children in their Eden state, meaning there would be no Jesus, and Satan thought he was messing up God's plan by tempting them.

                                                        That would explain how Satan and the snake are one of the same, despite being supposedly kicked out.

                                                      • Technically, the blood-drinking comes from Mithraism, which had wine-as-blood symbolism since some four or five centuries BC.
                                                      • Harry Turtledove has you covered.
                                                      • Nope, that was obviously a Gambit Roulette. He knew what he was getting into. and the being-omniscient thing is kind of easy when you're God.
                                                      • Water Walk isn't on the cleric class list, I think it may be in the water domain though
                                                      • He was also a JediTime Lord
                                                        • He did die on the cross he just regenerated later.
                                                        • And which Time Lord, you ask. I direct you to John 11:28

                                                          And of course Warhammer40000 strongly implies that the Emperor was actually Jesus.

                                                        • Actually, that's pretty accurate. So far as I can tell, Satan (actually just meaning "adversary") was written in the Old Testament to be a test for humanity, a way to ensure that the faithful are truly so, and perhaps even a tool of divine retribution if it comes to that. Lucifer is an invention of medieval clergy who needed an enemy, a manifestation of evil that worked to thwart the Church, which thus deserves the great amount of power it gets from being the only ones able to save the world.
                                                          • Actually, the name Satan comes from "shaitan" or "hasatan", which essentially means "to accuse". Satan, if the character actually existed, was more like a prosecuting attorney smack-dab on the far cynical end of the Sliding Scale of Idealism vs. Cynicism.
                                                          • But of course there is! This is Wild Mass Guessing!
                                                          • Hey, it makes more sense than him having a disintegrator pistol, as L. Ron Hubbard claimed. (I wonder if it fired Ancient Egyptian Laser Beams.)
                                                          • Telekinesis, Functional Magic, Nanomachines spread throughout the water, Tractor Beams, Gravity Control, conjuring water elementals, quantum-level manipulation of Van Der Waal forces, Earthbending to raise the ground into a land bridge, really good stage magic, ten trillion guys with buckets, etc.
                                                          • Moses might have just gotten lost and been too afraid to admit it. So God had Moses do some showy hocus-pocus, then told him that the water had dried up as a result. So they just walked across some random stretch of land, thinking it was the sea floor.
                                                            • Explain how it suddenly became mud when the Egyptians touched it and how the water came and covered them afterwards, burying the chariots and drowning the chariot drivers?
                                                            • Oh, and before anyone asks whether I actually believe this, it's more about logic than faith. If Jesus and aliens then alien Jesus. Assuming both those premises, the only obvious alternatives are "all aliens go to hell" or "aliens aren't made in God's image", which is frankly appalling to even consider.
                                                              • So Jesus is Galactus?
                                                                • No, Jesus is K-PAXian.
                                                                • No, he's a Vorlon. Probably Kosh Naranek.
                                                                • Well of course I'm assuming aliens! I'm also assuming Jesus. The point is, if both exist and Jesus ever needed to die for aliens' sins, he wouldn't appear to them in human form. And by the way, a few hundred extrasolar planets is not a meaningful sample of space, much less time.
                                                                • And the "nature of the extrasolar planets we've discovered" is purely determined by the limitations of our current technology. We couldn't even find Earth from the nearest star system using current methods. The vast majority of the universe is beyond the range of our telescopes.
                                                                • Please, tell us more.
                                                                • Don't forget David and Jonathan.
                                                                • The evidence for it is actually kind of hard to ignore. Aside from the constant kissing, Ruth is described as clinging to Naomi using the same word used in the Book of Genesis to describe a man becoming one flesh with his wife. The Anguished Declaration of Love Ruth gives Naomi is now used as a reading in virtually all Christian wedding ceremonies, and even after Ruth married Boaz (a man who apparently understood Ruth and Naomi's needs more than a closer relative of Naomi's close husband) and her child, Obed is born, the declaration is that a child is born to Naomi. Boaz is clearly the Ur-Example of a sperm donor. Still not convinced? Remember that Ruth was willing to go with Naomi to a country which has been taught to be hostile to her people. More than willing, in fact.
                                                                • The full passage (KJV version here) is as follows, and it could easily be mistaken for wedding vows.
                                                                • Yeah, because frozen lakes are SO prone to having thrashing waves, and are popular boating areas.
                                                                  • I do admit that I did forget that the text makes it pretty clear the water in question was liquid when I posted the above entry. My point in posting the above was that many Christians I've talked to have pointed to his perfoming miracles as proof of his divinity. Walking on water is considered one of the miracles The Bible claims he performed. Whether Jesus was a real person, a real person and the son of a deity, a composite of several people, or a completely fictional character, it doesn't change the fact that ice is a form of water and that many, many people do have the capablity of walking on it. So, really, my issue is with people not using literal language, 'He walked on liquid water', than anything else.
                                                                    • From what I have seen, it's generally accepted that the term 'water' means only the liquid version unless serving as a modifier. (Water Ice as opposed to Dry Ice, or Water Vapor as opposed to various other vaporous substances.)
                                                                    • Not the Dead Sea, but the Sea of Galilee, which is freshwater. The fishing isn't so good in the ultra-salty Dead Sea.
                                                                      • Even then you cannot walk on the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea may be viscous, but not that much. About the thinnest liquid you can walk on is custard.
                                                                      • Eh, the thinnest is actually cornstarch-saturated water, if you run.
                                                                      • Better than my killjoy "modernized" translation that renders "Leviathan" as "crocodile." Crocs don't breathe fire!
                                                                        • Or have seven heads!
                                                                        • The idea of hell as being eternal is actually Christian Adaptation Decay mixed with Word of Dante. Jewish belief holds that Hell is more like the Christian concept of purgatory, a place you go to receive horrible rehabilitations for a length of time proportional to your sinfulness. Everyone goes to heaven, sinful people just take longer.
                                                                          • The Jewish version is corroborated by various pagan sects and the Long Journey. Which is essentially you have to wander around Mordor until you can find a way into the Ghibli Hills
                                                                          • The idea that Hell exists at all in Judaism is Word of Dante.
                                                                          • Which is WORSE than eternal torment. Existing beats not existing.
                                                                            • Which is WORSE than not existing. Being able to create meaning out of nowhere beats being tormented for eternity.
                                                                            • I find that really hard to believe, if the alternative is an eternity of being tormented by demons and fire, I'll take non-existence any day. Think of it as an ultimate coup de grace. Ask Azrael for example.
                                                                            • The Nothing After DeathISN'T nonexistence. You're thinking Cessation of Existence.
                                                                            • My reading of Scripture indicates that Hell is intended for the punishment of Satan and the demons who followed him, and that God's entire aim throughout all of history has been to get humans out of the danger of Hell and into Heaven. Which leads me to conclude that the demons in Hell will suffer at least as much, if not more, than any condemned human there, assuming that the postulated theorem of non-existence is not actually correct.
                                                                            • How do you know? Can you remember a time in your life when you've not existed?
                                                                            • What does that even mean? Fend for ourselves from what? I always thought the separation thing was just an euphemism.
                                                                              • Allow me to explain: the Eternal Separation idea of hell means that, if you don't repent and admit that you have sinned, then God cannot be with you, as evil and sin are literally anathema to him and what He is. After going through a person's life with them in every single detail, God then allows them to see EXACTLY what sort of person every single choice made them. If the person still cannot accept or admit their guilt, then God accepts that, and leaves the person to their own devices. They can now do whatever they want in the afterlife, but hell for them will be the void in their spirits that only God could fill/heal, a feeling of loss, separation and loneliness that will ALWAYS be with them in some form or another that is only worsened by some part of them KNOWING exactly why they feel this way.
                                                                                An easy way to understand this is through the Parable of the Prodigal Son by Jesus himself: you run away from home too young and too early, but eventually you get bankrupt both financially and emotionally, making you realize that at least your parents lived better. Even though existentialists accept living this, eternal separation is Cosmic Horror Story for some Christians.
                                                                              • The Eternal seperation concept of Hell almost sounds like an Assimilation Plot, since being one with God means having your consciousness fuse with God. People who reject Instrumentality rejects God and embraces existentialism.
                                                                              • It is not hard for many people to admit they are a flawed being, what many would refuse to admit is that they are tainted and sinful - sinful implying that no good qualities complement their bad.
                                                                              • Well, if someone repents for being sinful, wouldn't that be a good quality? Thereby making them merely flawed, and not sinful?
                                                                              • Jesus Christ himself implies this in the Parable of the Prodigal Son.
                                                                              • Milton and Dante (the Trope Codifiers for Hell in modern thought) actually make it a point to bring this idea up. In Paradise Lost Hell is suspiciously easy to sneak out of, and both God and Lucifer mention that the fallen angels would be accepted back to heaven in a heartbeat if they asked God for forgiveness. The only reason they don't (and won't) is the pride that made them fall in the first place. Dante makes it almost comical &mdash Satan is frozen up to the waist in Lake Cocytus, constantly flapping his wings to try and escape which generates the icy wind that keeps the lake frozen. If he stopped rebelling against his punishment he'd be on his merry way . but that would mean accepting his sins and his guilt. And Dante himself was able to escape the "abandon all hope ye who enter here" place.
                                                                              • If such was possible, then it would have been mentioned by both God and Jesus in the accounts of what Hell is like. And it makes the whole idea of living for God rather unnecessary since you being in Hell would be more than enough proof that you done fucked up.
                                                                                • Not necessarily. First of all, "repentance" isn't just a talk session: it's about accepting your wrongs and/or becoming The Atoner. Which is hard for people with big egos. Second, some assholes really are that arrogant. Do you think Hitler or Stalin would ever acknowledge the suffering they caused in life? No, they'd just sit there, their massive egos ranting about how they were massively glorious über-dic- er, Übermenschen, unable to ever feel God's loving embrace. Most other people, especially those guilty of only minor sins (for example suicide, atheism, adultery and Freudian Excuse-related crimes), would probably learn, repent and go to Heaven.
                                                                                • Perhaps God and Jesus decided it would be better not to mention it so people wouldn't decide living for God was unnecessary because they could just repent in Hell.
                                                                                • This can also explain why suicides and other Freudian Excuses still receive eternal punishment, it's not because of the God Is EvilWord of Dante eternal torment in lake of fire which everyone questions and despises, it's because they lived a life of Despair Event Horizon, which can be punishment in itself enough.
                                                                                  • "Eternal torment in lake of fire" is notWord of Dante-it's literally the only thing about Hell that is actually in the Bible.
                                                                                  • And why would Jesus mention it then?
                                                                                  • quick note I was raised in greek orthodoxism and it's been a while since I've taken my last religion course,high school level so if any of my example's are flawed our are told differentely in the version of the bible you use please append so that the theory can be as complete as posible.
                                                                                  • childhood, in the only instance when Jesus went to Jerusalem as a kid he started discusing theology with the high priests and whining,now bear in mind that for the time and region theological discusions were perhaps the apex intellectual progress and the ultimate experts were being beaten by somebody way younger and who at that moment knew this stuf as a hobby if you will or as preparation for his future job.
                                                                                  • career choice,Joshep was a carpenter and I'm not sure if it's fanon or canon but I think that he wanted Jesus to become one too ,and with their tehnology level that was ? a midle level tech job, but no Jesus wanted to do his own high level completeley rewrite the philosophy of his age, intelectual stuff ,prophet where's the money in that,L.Ron Hubbard aside?
                                                                                    • Joseph being a "carpenter" is actually the result of a mistranslation, the proper term would be a "craftsman" who back in that day had many and diverse talents and was actually a high-paying and desireable position. Especially with the build-happy Herod in charge thanks to the even more build-happy romans. Joseph was also a remnant of the house of David so he was very much part of an "old money" family.
                                                                                    • Zorastrianism was Yawweh/Jehova's first attempt as a solo act, aka beta, religion before officially breaking the Jews away from a many god faith into his own special monotheism faith. However, when it became clear they were too much to manage he tried again by creating Jesus. However, after that quickly fell apart, Jesus went into hiding and died early, Yahweh sat around for a few centuries before deciding to go with another angle, Islam, by going back to the Jewish roots of Abraham's kids. This too collapsed when the Sunnis and Shiites broke apart. Along the way Yahweh created the Mormons as a fifth attempt at getting his own solo career going.
                                                                                      • Actually Zoroastrianism's concepts were integrated into the Jewish faith during a time of exile for the Jews in Persia. If anything Christianity is Pseudo Judaic-Zoroastrianism. Even the struggles between Good and Evil are parallel to that. And Zarathustra's (Original Prophet) religion existed as early as 1,100 BCE (Before Common Era) can validate this. Then it was even taken further by the Zurvanists who saw Ahura Mazda (Zoroasterian God) and Angra Manyu/Ahriman (Absolute Antithesis) both as children of Zurvan the God of time.

                                                                                      For example, there is no reason for Mary to have been in Bethlehem. The census was for Romans or people who were dirt eating poor, and the latter were forced back to their home towns to work on farms. Jesus was the son of the carpenter, or general craftsman, not the Ancient-Roman-Occupied-Jewish equivalent of a welfare family. The census was an excuse Mary used to get herself in the place the messiah was prophecied to be born.

                                                                                      Child Jesus talking with the temple priests was simply him escaping while his mother and father had him on an educational trip. He was so impressive because they were filling his head with information at an early age. The next thirty years are unknown as they are thirty years planning for almost every contingency as possible, as well as the miracles.

                                                                                      All miracles are slight of hand, or exaggeration over the years. Things are a bit more muddled as the culture the people had in the area of writing Fan Fiction in official names, and passing it off as if written by the original author.

                                                                                      The crucifixion occurred enough to fool those who came to watch it initially happen. They waited for the mob to get bored, leave, and then Longinus, who later "converted" and was in on the deal, poked Jesus in the side. This is after Jesus is put into a drug coma by some bitter drink. Blood comes out, Longinus claims he sees blood and water to throw off the other guards if they aren't in on it.

                                                                                      The plan originally was for Jesus to come back a few years later, whence within that generation, but away from his domineering mother and with his "most trusted diciple", a romance that never was began to flourish. There was serious UST, but between being watched by his siblings and parents Jesus could never act on it.

                                                                                      He decides to give the metaphorical finger to his mother, becoming history's greatest Spanner in the Works, and never comes back like planned. Dies young, never completely recovered from crucifixion. His wife and daughter then go off to try to cash in on their husband/father's name for themselves.

                                                                                      The plan falls apart as planned. The original plan was to have all Jews unite behind Jesus, while instilling just enough fear into the Romans that a full scale war wouldn't be needed. Just enough of a minor win to signal Rome is weak, and start a whole powder keg of an ancient world war.

                                                                                      • This works well enough with a guess that Revelation was a letter of encouragement to believers suffering under the cruel reign of Domitian, and is largely symbolic. Most apocalyptic literature at the time were rants against Rome disguised as world ending prophecy. What does not really match up is that Loginus is not in the canonical New Testament and was not a convert in the contemporary texts.
                                                                                      • Needs Citation. It's pretty much accepted amongst most scholars now that Mary Magdalene didn't even really exist. Or rather, the Possession Sue wife of Jesus didn't. Instead, MM's thought to be a compilation of at least threedifferent Marys.
                                                                                      • And, to be entirely fair, I doubt Jesus said anything about popes to begin with. Sure, he entrusted Peter with his followers, but there's a big leap between that and the papacy.
                                                                                        • Well yeah, I'd guess this theory is assuming Catholicism is correct with the whole papacy thing. (Though it's not really THAT big a leap.)
                                                                                        • In Matthew 16:16-19 when Jesus asked who the apostles thought He was, Simon said that He is the Christ. Jesus told Simon that he was to be known as Peter, meaning rock, and would build His Church upon him, giving him the keys to the kingdom. In John 21:15-17), Jesus says to Peter that he must feed His lambs, meaning lead, be the shepherd of the Church. The word pope comes from the Greek word "papas" which means father, or leader of the family. Pope St. Clement I, Peter's 3rd successor (the 4th pope) stated in his Epistle to the Corinthians that Peter and the apostles chose successors. This was written about 80 A.D. (C.E.). Jesus may not have used the term "pope" directly, at least not that we know of, but He did choose a leader, and expected that leadership to continue.
                                                                                        • Actually, God has been trying to hint to us how dumb we are for millennia, not only with the story of Chelm, but also by giving us multiple, contradictory, and untrue stories about the ultimate meaning of life (called religions) and. oh, the time he dropped that guy with at least half a shred of intelligence into our midst as an April Fools Day joke.
                                                                                        • But what the reasoning behind this "Lumiel" being female in the first place? Where did "she" come from, and what was there to specify her from the other angels since they weren't given human form in the earliest texts? And who says God is a misogynist? Most misogynistic traits in religion are thrown in by the human race, after all, and saying that Satan is described with "feminine beauty" doesn't make much sense unless you can cite exactly how said beauty might be any different from that which men are sometimes ascribed in older religious texts. This WMG smells of Crystal Dragon Jesus to me. ) Also, if you're saying that the biggest musical successes are female, there's quite a range of men (from Bing Crosby and the Big Bopper to the King, The Prince of Pop, several boy-bands and Nickleback/Fall Out Boy/Christian rock groups) who would disagree.
                                                                                        • It's Word of Dante that they ever were an angel. The Canaaniteversion has Astar/Astarte (god/ess of the morning/evening stars, the planet Venus) trying to take over the throne of Baal Hadad while he was faking his death to escape Death. What happened after varies by the source and tends to escalate over time: from the other gods's mild disappointment at Astarte not matching Baal's stature, to her getting kicked off of Baal's mountain palace by him upon his return, to her being violently cast out of Heaven by Elohim so hard she left an Impact Silhouette in the Earth on their way to The Underworld, etc. etc.
                                                                                        • The sacrifice is meaningless if death is not completely and utterly defeated. You see, the cost of sin is death. Jesus would only die for himself and no one else, so it would be in vain since he did no sin. Hence why the Resurrection was so important, it showed that Christ had overcome death, for everyone who believes.
                                                                                        • The actual chosen people are the tardigrades, or water bears. Consider how tough they are for simple moss-eaters: if there is a God, they're probably His pinnacle invention. The only reason they haven't taken over the Earth is because they're scared of the giant humans, and we ate from the Tree of Knowledge first.

                                                                                        In Revelations, the war in Heaven is transposed with another vision that some theologians take to be Mary's flight from Herod. Well, what if it's happening at the same time? Maybe the whole reason the Massacre of the Innocents happened is because, seemingly out of nowhere, Satan turned on God and suddenly threw everything he had into killing Jesus? Perhaps that's the moment when the war in Heaven began, and Satan's shift from celestial prosecutor to Jesus's archenemy really is a new role, something he'd only recently become.

                                                                                        But why would Satan have only rebelled at that point? The answer is moral outrage. Satan had spent thousands of years documenting every sin humanity's ever committed, his whole existence aimed at proving beyond any shadow of doubt that humans are irredeemably evil and should be destroyed. And eventually God agrees with him. and then sends Jesus to offer salvation and make it all irrelevant. How would a human district attorney feel if he'd spent years building up the case for a depraved criminal, only for the trial judge to say "you're absolutely right, but I'm going to give him a break anyway". It was birth of Jesus, and the realization that humanity's going to go to Heaven even after all the evil he's seen them do, that turned Satan against God. His whole motive in trying to destroy humanity is that he thinks we deserve it, and if God won't do it, then he'll do it himself.

                                                                                        • There's a flaw in your thinking. Who is this Snake of Paradise Garden guy, then?
                                                                                          • Good question. It was not a snake but a serpent and was not Satan. At most it acted as an agent of Satan but that is a relatively recent association.
                                                                                          • The strange thing about Lucifer's prominence in Christianity and equation with Satan is how unimportant he is in Judaism. In canon he only got an offhand reference and even in apocryphal works and folklore he ended up as an underling to somebody else like Samael or Lilith, when even mentioned at all. In the Kelipot he is an underling of the third ranked underling under Satan.

                                                                                          Compare how most real life Satanists are with how Satan acts in the Bible. They believe they are rebelling for freedom, Satan wants them to, to prove his point. Satan did bring harm to Job but just to get him to reject authority. All Satan asked Jesus to do was go wild with power or act unfaithful. He's not some Card-Carrying Villain, he's more like a police officer who believes entrapment is acceptable.

                                                                                          The accuser is notably not the most evil angel in the Bible, even if the others aren't actually named(Satan isn't a name either, just a title). Chances are he still thinks he's doing the right thing, even in the book of Revelation all the non Bible religions are destroyed first(well besides the new one he just rose up) before he comes after those faithful to the one God. As far as Satan's concerned if they are really faithful then they will go to heaven after he has them all killed. He's still doing his job, just far beyond what he was asked to do. Maybe what he really needs is more people to pray for him? Maybe that would make him ease up?

                                                                                          • This makes a chilling amount of sense. In Revelations, Satan tried to get people have the Mark of the Beast. Maybe it's not some generic take-over scheme, but rather "rooting out the good from the bad." A test to see who fits into his vision of good(and it's rather narrow.)
                                                                                          • You made me giggle.
                                                                                          • The SCP Foundation seems to agree with you (or at least, if he didn't deserve it then, he definitely does now).
                                                                                          • Joseph wanted a carpenter for a child. Depending on your text, either he had no other children, or, let's say, none of them wanted to be carpenters. Well, Jesus did want to be a carpenter, as they found out at a very young age. After the angel appearing, Joseph and Mary both knew that s/he was going to be a special kid, so they decided this would be reasonable (with a possible idea that this would help woman's lib, if s/he were discovered). Then, when it came time to spread the message. who's gonna listen to the girl? (See the guess on Mary creating Jesus as savior.) No real reason for this to be so, except misogyny was fairly common and yet he still had an even split of male/females. (See the guess on there being both male and female Pope.)
                                                                                            • If Jesus is female, then isn't she the universe's attempt at Moe?
                                                                                            • Then again, you'd have translation notes that would make Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei look tame. Thank God that we have manuscripts in Ancient Hebrew.
                                                                                              • In several different versions, and with a number of books that have fallen in and out of official canon, and all written hundreds of years apart, and with some parts being clearly "hebrewized" variants of much older Babylonian stories. And that's just the OT: the New Testament was made of bits and pieces selected from thousands of documents by the Nicaean Council, most written generations to centuries after Jesus, with many of their choices being highly controversial and politicized, and again with several books being taken out and put in by various sects over the intervening millenia. Also, for a few centuries following the post-Crisi- er, post-Roman Diaspora, Ancient Hebrew was practically a dead language. Many of the oldest words lost their meaning and had to be "rediscovered". A few still are only guesswork even today.
                                                                                              • Cain, Abel and Seth were their only named children. Adam and Eve were said to have many sons and daughters.
                                                                                              • There is another human besides Adam and Eve, by the way. She is named Lilith, and was Adam's actual first wife. Probably the other humans came from her.
                                                                                                • That sounds like something that came out of Neon Genesis Evangelion, since in that series Lilim are indeed all matter-based life .
                                                                                                • The issue with that is that the idea of Lilith as Adam's first wife didn't come around until the Middle Ages. Lilith was originally the name of a demon who murdered children.
                                                                                                  • (which makes me lol when people name their kids that)
                                                                                                  • Maybe it's done to placate her?

                                                                                                  Adam and Eve multiplied quickly after leaving Eden. The sons of God, the people already out in the world struggling to procreate like they were told to, were impressed by this. They saw the daughters of Adam were beautiful and took them as wives. There were giants in that time and sometime afterwards because the children of those unions grew big and strong, just like how breeding lions and tigers produce really big cats because the alleles that check growth cancel out. Eventually humanity out bred and assimilated all the other people but this made humanity's tendency to do evil dominant, thus the flood.

                                                                                                  It fits in with the fossil record, which shows many other, older, variations of bipedal mammals that are similar to humans but are not linked to humans. Missing link? There is none. Some of them were out competed and died out, the rest of the bipeds interbred with Adam and Eve's kids and this lead to modern homo sapiens. Modern humans are now less susceptible to temptation than Adam and Eve because we have the originals made in God's image in our ancestry as well.

                                                                                                  Furthermore, Hebrew and Aramaic, the languages of the Bible, the Semitic language family, it extends into O'mo, sight of the earliest modern humans so this theory can still work (though not as well) even if you take the Sons of God=Angels interpretation.

                                                                                                  • If you're really halfway through one of the gospels, the foreshadowing that Jesus will rise from the dead exactly three days after being killed is kind of hard to miss. If you're making this guess halfway through the Bible itself. I dub you the spec-master of all time.
                                                                                                  • Well considering he literally has four books about him that wouldn't be surprising.
                                                                                                  • Satan being equal to God is not stated in the Bible, or any of the Abrahamic texts. That idea came from Manicheanism, which in turn got the idea from trying to unite Christianity with Buddhism and Zoroastrianism. Maybe if this was put forth on the wild mass guess page for one of those religion's books it would work.
                                                                                                  • It follows that if intelligence is one of the defining opposing aspects, that God becoming dumber while Satan becomes smarter means that Satan will become more and more good over time and God will become more and more evil over time until either they are once again completely opposed, or until both are identical at the halfway point.
                                                                                                    • Notnecessarily.
                                                                                                    • That means, Satan is to God where Nyarlathotep is to Azathoth.
                                                                                                    • Actually it seems God still possesses intelligence, but is rather unaware and unconscious of his power instead of mindless, with Satan taking the place as Advisor / Chancellor who is actually aware and in control of God's power. That means Satan is to God where the SOS Brigade is to Haruhi.
                                                                                                    • True. God = egotistical, insane Eldritch Abomination who relies on angels for him to think and punishes people eternally, Satan = egotistical, charismatic Magnificent Bastard who tricks humans into thinking they are just like God to further his own goals. However, even though God is mindless and Satan is highly intelligent, the biblical fact that they are both egotistical and use humans to further their own goals doesn't remove the fact that their relationship is still a form of Black-and-Gray Morality.

                                                                                                    Again, as pointed out above, the Bible was not written in English. That goes for the "celebrate" joke as well. At least this one is grammatically correct.

                                                                                                    • Alternatively, science is right. God's power passes our understanding so he can bend the rules of the universe however he wants them too. Everything in the Bible that is scientifically impossible to us is because is a lot more powerful than man.
                                                                                                    • Alternative theory. Every so called contradiction in the Bible was really just God's way of explaining things to humans who did not know better. "I stopped the Sun!" Actually he stopped the Earth but didn't want to explain axis turning and artificial gravity and junk to the dumb Hewbrews. Had the Bible events happened today God wouldn't have been so hand holding with humanity.
                                                                                                    • Acutally, by freezing The Bible into Science, fundies and scientists saved us from the monster that is God. Don't forget he will torture us for all eternity.
                                                                                                      • They did save us from God, but they killed the Messiah that is Jesus. By freezing the Bible into science, Jesus vanished.
                                                                                                      • Actually, the "Eternal torment" part of Christian morality belongs more to fundamentalism, since in the Bible, when you sin, you simply die (Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death").
                                                                                                      • Then where did you get the idea of Anti Christ from? Shouldn't that not exist?
                                                                                                      • Never mind antichrist in an adjective, not a noun. There is no one antichrist, it is a behavior anyone can partake. Thank youWord of Dante.
                                                                                                      • Enoch does say there is more than one Satan so this would hold water in the churches who still consider Enoch canon.
                                                                                                      • A variation of this theory is popular with atheists. The idea that theocracies with an all-ruling God is simply Orwellian totalitarian dogma with another name. Think about it. Extreme worship of an abstract entity, a set of absolute rules to follow even though said rules intervene with privacy, total infallibility of the word of the ruler to the point where it would be beyond reason, "Big Brother Is Watching You", eternal damnation of those who do not follow, etc. It's all "Follow the Big Brother or you are going to Hell" memes, and the usage of Pavlovian fear conditioning to pacify the population. The difference between organized religion (such as Medieval Catholicism) and a secular dictatorship (such as Stalinist Russia) is that in religion the people worship an entirely imaginary entity (God) while in secular dictatorships the people worship a figure based on a real person (Stalin). A similar WMG can be seen in 1984's own WMG page.

                                                                                                      Ultimately, all life goes to that one afterlife called Hell. Everyone sinned, all humans sin (Original Sin), Nature sins (carnivores, natural disasters, etc), Heck, even God sins (The mass genocide of humanity in the time of Noah, his sacrifice of his own Son, scaring people with Disproportionate Retribution). Those who experience the most pain are the materialists and people who are too aware of their surroundings, since they feel the obvious and visible pain that is Hell. However, there is a strange circle in Hell where some people we can recognize from Real Life are having dinner with someone who looks like he was brutally scourged, and they seem to ignore the pains of the Afterlife. Upon closer look, we realize that this person having supper in Hell is actually Jesus Christ himself, who helps the Christian faithful ignore the pains of Hell and live in happiness through friendship and faith in Him.

                                                                                                      This could be the message Christianity is telling us all along. Because everything that exists since the creation of the Tree of Knowledge is sin, everything must go to Hell, and there is no escape. However, in Hell, there is still a choice: Either the person can remain aware but must experience the full agony of fire, brimstone and existential angst, or he can experience the full agony but can deny and ignore it through faith in Jesus, or any other religion the tormented sees fit for him / her, gaining bliss and the feeling of heaven (or nirvana) in the process. An analogy is Warhammer 40,000: The entire galaxy is a hell which will make you shit in terror, and it has a Hell, yet Space Marines can walk through it without fear because of their faith in the God Emperor (who might be Jesus himself, but that's another WMG). In other words, You Are Worth Hell.

                                                                                                      • Hell is actually Real Life. Oh God, Reincarnation is true!
                                                                                                      • It explains why some Christians are such annoying Moral Guardians: they are training themselves.
                                                                                                      • Jedi aren't celibate they just can't get attached. At least according to George Lucas. Also, isn't resurrection a Sith power? That's sort of the whole point of Revenge of the Sith.
                                                                                                      • Also, after the whole Eden fiasco, God sent an angel to guard it armed with "a flaming sword which turned every which way". It's likely that this sword was a lightsaber, since lightsabers are omnidirectional.

                                                                                                      The serpent in the Garden of Eve was the origin of Satan's beliefs.The reason God doesn't just destroy Satan is it would be cheating.God isn't above using propaganda though:The New Testament is an example.

                                                                                                      • He died, but his body regenerated. When he was resurrected, some people claimed not to recognize him any longer. He's from the past, but is going to arrive again in the future. There's plenty of reference to him and God (who is him too/his father) as a Lord and there's even discussion of the Master in the Bible. The cross was his TARDIS.
                                                                                                      • Maybe that would make the Hindu, Buddhists, ect more compatible? Reincarnation works better in a spiritual sense if we are all in the world of the dead, that which will eventually be destroyed (or rather swallowed up) parallel to those religion's description of the coming end of the universe as it is now.
                                                                                                      • You really believe Indians are the lost tribes of Israel, blacks are cursed, etc.? No, the Mormons are wrong, and only Mormons get into heaven, except for God, who is a Buddhist, and Saddam Hussein, because he abused his ex-boyfriend Satan.
                                                                                                        • Being a Mormon myself, I'd be offended (and I'd begin a long and winded theological argument against what you said), but that's just being rude. That aside, I found what you said to be hilarious. On a different note, you do get a nice mansion in Heaven even if you were a horrible jerk, according to the Mormons, but if you are like Jesus in life, according to them, you get even nicer things to the point where you become, quite literally, like God Himself.
                                                                                                          • Which is exactly the temptation which got Adam and Eve chucked out of Eden.
                                                                                                          • The bible contradicts itself, and self-contradictory philosophies are easily altered by fools seeking power. You know, Orwellian Doublethink.
                                                                                                          • Or if you don't want to sound paranoid on the internet, it's about how we're supposed to have individual paths to God, which in conjunction with our individual spiritual fruits from God form an entire superorganism (think ant hives and bee hives) with multiple parts working at once for the greater good. Fridge brilliance indeed.

                                                                                                          Expanding on this, it is possible to determine that the Antichrist is some sort of fear-monger with a lot of weight behind his or her words. Therefore, I have narrowed down the identity of the Antichrist to either Glenn Beck, Fox News as a whole, or his personal favorite, Stephen Colbert after Becoming the Mask at his March to Keep Fear Alive.

                                                                                                          • Or whoever invented the concept of Hell as "eternal torture"
                                                                                                          • There is no single anti Christ in canon. It is possible for any of those sources to be a false prophet/fake messiah but that sounds too mean spirited. Can't they just be dumb, flawed humans?
                                                                                                          • The Angels are possibly our behaviours / defense mechanisms / our thought patterns.
                                                                                                          • God: The Super - Ego. Our internalized figure of our Father, our high ideals and standards, and powered / brought on by social reinforcement. God serves as our "conscience" and "ego ideal" which we are expected to follow in populist society. As our conscience, God / The Superego tells us what is right or wrong, what is our high ideals, and what has been conditioned into our brains by the authority. It also has the power to "eternally punish" through the usage of guilt (which in Christian doctrine, can only be removed through repentance to authority, hence "you are damned to Hell until you repent").
                                                                                                          • Sin: The Id, obviously. Just look at christian doctrine and it pretty much screams "Repression", almost all of the acts that are enjoyed by the id are labeled as sin, and thus are not allowed to persist as permanent behaviours in the ego. Like oh for example, sex for pleasure. (Sodomy? Go to Hell. Porn? Go to Hell. Masturbation? Go to Hell. And so on). Also, the Seven deadly Sins (particularly Lust and Wrath) correspond to our unconscious animal instincts which our ancestors used before moving on to civilization. Sin / the Id works through the Pleasure Principle.
                                                                                                            • Satan / Lucifer / Demons / Fallen Angels might be manifestations of our repressed instincts, and Hell is simply metaphor for constant repression and the "eternal torment a.k.a trauma" that is the result of said repression. Satan himself is the Oedipus Complex. Before, Satan and his followers enjoyed their presence in the heavenly world, until Satan rebelled and God banished them to the depths of Hell. In our mind according to Freud, our instincts expressed themselves in our conscious mind, until the Oedipus Complex appeared and pushed thoughts of rebellion against the father figure, and the failure of rebellion against Father culminated in the creation of the Superego. Sounds similar, doesn't it? As an additional WMG: This means adolescence, where massive lust and something resembling the Oedipus complex reappear, is Armageddon (well teen-hood is certainly Armageddon for me), and adulthood, where we start to live according to the expectations of superego, is the Final Judgement.
                                                                                                            • Adam and Eve might represent the Thanatos ("you were made from dust, and dust you shall return") and Eros ("I will increase your trouble in giving childbirth, in spite of this, you will still have desire for your husband, yet you will be subject to him"), respectively.
                                                                                                              • Adam and Eve, or the entire Garden of Eden, could also represent the Unconscious Mind as a whole. Before, Adam and Eve were unconscious of their world around them, and that is why they were naked without knowing it. That is, until the Serpent brought on the Forbidden Fruit, and thus we had to repress our internal Eden of unconsciousness (well ignorance is bliss, ignorance is strength, and so on) as the cost of knowledge and learning. Of course this allowed the existence and propagation of the Ego (the prophets) and the Super Ego (the God of Morals today).
                                                                                                              • Jesus also counts as the Ego Ideal, the part of the Superego which the ego tries to follow.

                                                                                                              (Which still leaves all the other issues with a literal flood in place, but is hopefully entertaining to read, at least.)

                                                                                                              • That explains the staggering number of flood stories and range of flood stories as far away from the Middle East as Chile and New Zealand.

                                                                                                              My take on this idea is that God is like the nice owner of a animal sanctuary who wants to get the stray cats to come inside where it is nice and warm. He can't force them in, because He knows it's a bad idea to keep a wild animal as a pet. Babies who die are like kittens, which can be easily tamed. Evangelism is like using one cat to get another cat to come down from a tree.

                                                                                                              Its clear in judges that without a strong government, the Israelites' success (whether at following god, or in other areas) is spotty at best. However, the Kings don't do too well either, as the Israelites' success is too dependent on one person's actions. Obviously, the Israelites needed to set up some sort of government where laws themselves are held to be the most important part of the government, and one where a single person couldn't have had much influence on how the country was run (religiously or otherwise). A Theocracy type government is out, (I think I remember that there were some instructions during the Moses part of the story against this, but may just be imagining things), but a Republic like government does fit the bill somewhat.

                                                                                                              • Christianity is a poor man's ripoff of Judaism. 'Nuff said.
                                                                                                                • Christianity is Self-InsertGary Stu fanfic that somehow became the More Popular Spin-Off.

                                                                                                                The Bible says yahweh did them, but yahweh likes to take credit for things he didn't do. We know that each of the plagues reresent one of the Egyptian Gods, which has mistakenly been taken as a Take That! or Our Gods Are Different when actually the Egyptian God were pissed at Pharaoh and the other Egyptians that were abusing the Hebrews. Yahweh struck a deal with them to let his people go, and you know the rest of the story.

                                                                                                                • So, heaven itself is only going to last for another 5.4 billion years? What happens then- does it just move?
                                                                                                                • It gets recreated, God will make a new heaven, a better heaven that doesn't cause skin cancer in the living.
                                                                                                                • Considering how we're stardust.
                                                                                                                • Actually, Paul flat out states that any god that isn't God is actually a demon. That and God has confirmed that there's other gods, or used to. Regardless, God has kicked Thor's and Odin's asses, is currently kicking their asses and will kick their asses.

                                                                                                                Israelites are settled in Egypt, increase in numbers. While living there, they develop a number of new technologies and become skilled engineers, helping to organize the construction of many cities. However, the pharaoh grew scared of this new technology and power, and decided to enslave the Israelites. Time goes on, Moses appears, decides to lead the Israelites from Egypt. The Pharaoh doesn't want to let the Israelites go, out of few of loosing their skills to an enemy, plus general pride and desire to maintain power. The Israelites use their engineering skills to sabotage several egyptian public works projects (Sewer systems, irrigation works, etc.), some of which they likely helped build, causing problems that lead to the ten plagues.

                                                                                                                Eventually, the destruction convinces the pharaoh to let the Israelites leave, but he than changes his mind and decides to chase them. The Israelites, either guessing this would occur, or learning of it, decide to trap and destroy the pharaoh's army, to save future trouble for themselves. To do this, they dam the Red Sea, and pump the water out, setting up a corridor of dry land to travel through. As the Egyptian army approached, the Israelites had a large chunk of their population start on the egyptian side of the cleared red sea, than walk across to tempt the Egyptians. Once clear, the Israelites blew up the dams, and stopped the pumps, drowing the army.

                                                                                                                They than spent several years in the desert, before being able to actually conquer Canaan. during this time, they weren't able to use their engineering skills much, but still taught them. When they started their first conquest at Jericho, they snuck close to the walls over several nights, planting explosives, than, when ready, detonated the explosives and destroyed the walls, making the city much easier to conquer. The Israelites than went on to conquer more of Canaan, destroying many of the cities.

                                                                                                                However, during the time of Judges, the Israelite organization disintegrated, and they lost much of their engineering skill and technology. As a result, they did not understand how the major events of the escape from Egypt occurred without divine intervention, and changed the stories accordingly. This explains why the miracles seem to largely taper off after these stories, and would also explain some of the UFO consiracy oddities of Egyptian monuments, which were presumably added by the Israelites for some reason or other.

                                                                                                                • I'll take two shots at this. 1: He spat out or coughed up the sword until it was no longer in his mouth before speaking (i.e., the "never talk with your mouth full" doctrine of the Perfect Son). 2: Telepathy.

                                                                                                                In this WMG, a similar thing occurs with the later apocalyptic type expectations. There were large world wars, often involving ideological battles that more resemble good vs. evil type fighting more than other types of wars, Israel got founded again, our world reaching a One World Order state, etc. However, there were no resurrections, nothing else mystical happening, no Kingship, and just like the first sety of prophecies, a new series of conflicts and issues appeared after the events took place.

                                                                                                                • If I may: There is no "Bible". Whenever you think you are looking at or reading one, what your eyes actually see but your inner Weirdness Censor will steadfastly refuse to acknowledge is always the same cleverly disguised Tome of Eldritch Lore. Oh, for the time being we are safe enough. But it may come to pass in years ahead that every human being will find him- or herself in possession of a so-called "Bible", whether they believe its purported message or not in fact, the seemingly ever-increasing spread of information across the globe would seem to all but guarantee it. And then, when the stars align just right, it may next occur that we will all feel an inexplicable urge to turn to our "Bibles" at the same time. Then, and only then, will the truth be revealed to everyone so we can all Go Mad from the Revelation together.

                                                                                                                The other planets are angels and demons respectively. Their alignments?

                                                                                                                • Mercury is a demon, because it's a barren wasteland. Likely the messenger of Satan.
                                                                                                                • Mars could be a demon or angel. Mars is the most likely category for life elsewhere in our solar system, meaning it has a connection to God. However its barren nature and the fact it no longer possesses oceans may refer to it going through a Heel–Face Turn.
                                                                                                                  • Its two moons are in fact the home of the Horseman of War. This is because Phobos and Deimos were children of Ares, god of war.

                                                                                                                  The Book of Job shows this. It was Satan's desperate attempt to show that humans were sycophants to YHWH, however Job still retained faith. Angered by this, Satan would continue to try and prove his philosophy. Eventually YHWH came to the realisation that, because of His punishments, He and Satan were Not So Different. Thus, Satan fell. To ensure something like Satan could never happen again, God made it his mission to understand humanity: hence Jesus.

                                                                                                                  Being a Knight Templar, Satan felt that something was wrong with YHWH's judgement. It is for this reason that he tempted Jesus himself. It didn't work out. In order to be more distant from Satan, YHWH gave us fake origins: that he was the serpent and Ultimate Evil. This would've been a total Ironic Hell for Satan. By the point of Revelations, Satan has become a Misanthrope Supreme: controlling and condemning humanity to a Fate Worse than Death because, frankly, he thinks we deserve it.

                                                                                                                  • Samael. According to some sources, he tempted Eve, and is seen as a tempter/accuser by Talmudic traditions.
                                                                                                                  • Jubilees states his true name is Mastema but Ethiopia is the only place where the mainstream Jew and Christians think this is canon.
                                                                                                                  • Sataniel or Satariel in the book of Enoch. Enoch goes on to state there are multiple satans.
                                                                                                                  • Belial in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
                                                                                                                  • Multiple different beings could have held the title of Satan.
                                                                                                                  • It'd explain the widespread misconception that angels are the deceased souls of humans - the misconception would be at least half correct.
                                                                                                                  • It'd explain where angels came from.
                                                                                                                  • God being timeless does not contradict the existence of previous creations or later creations.
                                                                                                                  • It'd help resolve the issue of "so what do we actually do once we're in Heaven with God".
                                                                                                                  • Why would a perfect being want a finite, permanently unchanging number of companions? The claim that there is such a finite number is bizarre. The idea that it'll continue expanding indefinitely makes more sense.
                                                                                                                  • The descriptions of the angels are very bizarre. Starfish Aliens, anyone?
                                                                                                                  • On that note, alien visitors to Earth would be members of one of those previous races who got on a Generation Ship to escape their apocalypse/judgement.

                                                                                                                  YHWH, fed up with the antics of its siblings, decided to serve the Israelis in place of Atik and eventually the entire world after all other gods had been eliminated. YHWH got more powerful as it took on attributes of other gods it defeated until it was seemingly omnipotent. The only thing standing in the way of absolute victory was Elyon, whose name YHWH had already taken, but when it took on Elyon for real it found itself just as powerless as Anat and Baal-Hadad were when they did. Even after expanding to the point of being present everywhere and everything (Jeremiah 23) YHWH still could not comprehend Elyon who transcends all creation. Elyon then pointed out to YHWH that despite its efforts to be the perfect god it still could not make Israelis or anyone else live up to its standards and its angels were just as bad as the old gods. Remorseful, YHWH gave itself up to Elyon completely and Elyon had it atone for its mistakes by living a human life, promoting brotherly love and suffering a brutal death.

                                                                                                                  The word YWHW has several possible meanings, one of which is "self existent". Jesus going from Aramaic to Hebrew can be rendered, Yahushua, roughly "self existent savior". YHWH became one with Elyon as it was before Elyon created anything. Elyon was always self existent and YHWH was only a part of Elyon allowed to temporarily exist separately to show that nothing is perfect without fully knowing and being him, even a part of himself. Through YHWH and Mary, Yahushua/Yehoshua became Elyon's incarnate son. This is why the demon in Mark called Jesus "Son of The Most High!" and expected destruction, YHWH's previous MO but now having known the Most High father Yahushua cared more for salvation than destruction (Luke 9). Those who believe in the self existent savior will find a better life than this world the unjust gods (and YHWH) ruined and those that do not will die (the price of sin). None who disbelieve in the son of The Most High will be able to escape Abbadon, Sheol or the outer darkness where they end up according to Elyon's judgment and shall dwell there forever. But Elyon does not forget anything even if it goes to the place of death or the place of destruction destruction (Proverbs 15:11). Elyon will swallow up death (Isaiah 25) and those in death will find new life with with the Father and his son after they have paid their sin debt. That which is destroyed will be remade and light will come to the darkness, that is the world to come.

                                                                                                                  Balaam Ben Beor, son of the opening swallower of people, was prevented by Elyon cursing Israel and then his enemies were allowed to kill him in battle since he was going to accept a bribe from people rebelling against YHWH. But keep in mind it is Elyon which Balaam laments to and the meaning of his name is especially important. Paul also restates how death will be swallowed in 1 Corinthians 15. The repeated imagery is a call back to the Semitic god of death Mot who killed things by swallowing them, often whole. The swallowing is not just salvation from death, it is making an example of Mot who was possibly the most unjust god of all. The method of resurrection prior to this ultimate end of death is also recognition to the Semite religion. The Elohim were not immortal in the truest since but escaped death through resurrection. They could even add mortals to their ranks this way, giving them life in new bodies. Astarte created the god Eshmun this way against his will and many gods offered this to the hero Aqhat who died for his refusal. Aqhat's death could be what inspired YHWH to take down the Elohim in the first place, Jesus offering it again is coming full circle. It is optional this time and free of the lustful motivations that caused the whole mess.

                                                                                                                  Semitic religions are often described as "Abrahamic", Jews claiming authority from a covenant with Isaac, Muslim Arabs with Ishmael but Psalm 110 talks about Melchizedek, who in Genesis was the High Priest of El Elyon. Abraham gave tithe to this man. The law of Moses, the pact with Isaac, Abraham's blessing, not only were they inferior to an older religion of Elyon but the Bible admits it. That is why the book of Jonah is near the end of the Tanakh despite happening before many preceding books. It is to remind readers that no Semites or people are ultimately more important to The Most High than another.

                                                                                                                  The purpose of Abraham's blessing was to spread it throughout the entire world through his descendents. This is why Hebrews gives Jesus authority in the priesthood of Melchizedek. He is technically a descendent of Abraham and by paying for all sin with his death to resurrection YHWH was keeping his promise to bless the whole world through Abraham's descendents but in truth Abraham's descendents violated that pact, broke it. But the pact of Elyon will never be broken. This is why YHWH is inferior to Elyon despite being part of Elyon, the son did not know the entirety of the father (Matthew 24:36).

                                                                                                                  Elyon was the god that spoke to Abraham and told him to go to Canaan, but Yahweh was the one that destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, as well as the one responsible for most of the warlike acts in Genesis. Eventually, after or near the end of the book of Genesis, Yahweh decided he wanted the worship his fellow gods received, and betrayed them, using his status as a warrior god to kill them all, and take their worshippers.

                                                                                                                  Eventually, the Hebrews were taken into captivity in Egypt, and Yahweh, grown powerful from the killing of the rest of his pantheon, was the one who fought and humbled the Egyptian Pantheon, freeing the Jews and leading them back into Israel. He then ran into some new competition, the Canaanite gods, Baal, Asherah, and others, he convinced the Israelites to wage war on these gods and their followers, in order to remove them as competition for worship and praise, weakening them enough so he could slay them as well. Eventually, after wiping out all the gods of the Canaanites and the Phillistines, (his defeat of Dagon is recorded in the Book of Numbers), Yahweh settled into the position of Israel's one god.

                                                                                                                  However, things did not end there, a few hundred years later, Yahweh was faced with a new threat, the gods of Babylon and Assyria. Try as he might, he could not defeat these mighty gods, and they used their followers to defeat his, taking the jews into captivity. After this, Yahweh adapted a different strategy, he told the Jews that the other gods did not even exist, and that besides he, there were no gods at all. So, the Jews became strict Monotheists, and Yahweh, with all Jewish worship now dedicated solely to him, grew even more powerful.

                                                                                                                  But this was just step one of his plan, 600 years after his people were freed from Babylon, Yahweh completed his plan to expand his worship beyond the Levant, and unite all the world under him. Yahweh sent his son down to earth in the form of a man, who preached obedience to Yahweh as the one god, and promised a fiery torment for all eternity to those who did not, while eternal bliss would be given to the faithful. These teachings spread like a wildfire, and slowly the worshippers of other gods came into Yahweh's fold. The other gods of earth were weakened, so much that they could be easily driven from the earth, or killed. The rest of the Pagans were dealt with 600 years later, when he guided a Meccan Merchant to conquer the Middle East, and wipe out the last vestiges of Polytheism therein.

                                                                                                                  Finally, with almost all competitors eradicated or driven off, Yahweh has nearly succeeded in taking all the world's worship for himseld.With the exception of the east, and some dissenters here and there, Almost all the world worships him under the Star, the Cross, or the Crescent.

                                                                                                                  He, who was once just the humble god of war.

                                                                                                                  • The Bible says that angels are unable to redeem themselves, however.
                                                                                                                    • Why? Angels have free will(which is why they can fall in the first place), so unless God is showing favouritism to the human race, it should be possible.
                                                                                                                    • Eve was made from Adam's rib bone. He was basically making a mate like himself.
                                                                                                                    • The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil represents knowledge about sexuality. Note that while God created Eve to be Adam's partner, he never said anything about being his "partner".
                                                                                                                    • Adam and Eve were shameless in their nakedness because they weren't sexually active yet, and didn't get the difference. The main taboo with nudity is the idea that its sexual, hence why they covered their nakedness.
                                                                                                                    • God is the strict parent who doesn't want his kids finding out about sex. Banishing them is the equivalent of kicking out your kids because they're doing it under your roof.
                                                                                                                    • Eve was tempted first because females mature faster than males.
                                                                                                                    • The being that tempted Eve into eating the fruit was a serpent or snake, aka a fertility symbol. Eating the fruit was the equivalent of losing one's virginity.
                                                                                                                    • And of course, the Sex Is Evil morality of Christianity in general.
                                                                                                                    • Perhaps YHWH allowed this to happen. Think about it: if God wanted no free will, He wouldn't make the Tree of Knowledge with tasty fruit. Humanity able to defy God is actually an experiment to see if they follow Him on their own accord. Why does He want this besides tradition?: He has said that He is a jealous God, which is why He gets pissed at other deities being worshipped. He wants us all to love Him, but if we are conditioned to it isn't love. Worshipping Him is the equivalent of God going "See?! I told you they loved me, nyeh nyeh nyeh!"
                                                                                                                    • Goodness is mean and harsh while evil is pleasant and nice although it's very deceiving.
                                                                                                                    • Goodness is boring while evil is exciting.
                                                                                                                    • Goodness is unattractive while evil is beautiful.
                                                                                                                    • Goodness is difficult to do while Evil Is Easy and it feels good, even though it will eventually become an unpleasant fate.
                                                                                                                    • Goodness is weaker while evil isn't.
                                                                                                                    • Goodness is dark and scary while evil is light and bright.
                                                                                                                    • Goodness is rather dumb while evil is intelligent.
                                                                                                                    • Goodness tastes bad while evil doesn't.
                                                                                                                    • Pain and suffering is good while pleasure and amusement is bad.
                                                                                                                    • Fall of Man:
                                                                                                                      • Humans are born evil and disgusting creatures who deserve to suffer all because the first man and woman ate from a fruit a talking snake told them to eat. Bonus points if the creator was (whether or not) aware of said talking snake or even allowed it to deceive them.
                                                                                                                      • It doesn't matter if you have no knowledge of morality and if the talking snake tricked you, it's your own damned fault for bringing evil in the world and you deserve the consequences!
                                                                                                                      • Don't look back at a destroyed city or you will turn into a pillar of salt.
                                                                                                                      • If you want to prove your faithfulness to God, kill your own son, which He'll later tell you not to.
                                                                                                                      • To convince someone to free the slaves, you must harden his heart, and then send in ten plagues, one of them including killing children.
                                                                                                                      • Sacrificing your children is okay if God commands it.
                                                                                                                      • Never kill anyone unless God tells you to do it.
                                                                                                                      • Children will be punished for the sins of their ancestors.
                                                                                                                      • Disobedient children deserve to be stoned to death.
                                                                                                                      • Slavery is okay as long as you treat the slave as an equal.
                                                                                                                        • Whoever beats a slave to death will be punished. However, whoever beats a slave, and the slave survives a day or two, then it's okay.
                                                                                                                        • If God is screwing around your life, it's only just to test your faith in Him because He accepted a bet against Satan, whom He allowed to ruin your life.
                                                                                                                        • Who cares about what happened to your previous children and wife? God will give you better ones.
                                                                                                                        • You want to know why God is putting you through so much suffering? Because God is beyond what tiny insignificant humans can understand, and your problems are completely unimportant to the grand scheme of things. So you have no right to ask God questions or even question His perfect authority, so shut up and deal with it!
                                                                                                                        • Praise God even if He kills your entire family and inflicts suffering upon you.
                                                                                                                        • The best way to bring your Son to the world is by impregnating a random woman He can be born of.
                                                                                                                        • If you love God more than your family and friends, then you are His disciple.
                                                                                                                        • If you want to be a disciple for Christ, you must give up all of your possessions and abandon your family.
                                                                                                                        • If you're not for God, then you're against Him.
                                                                                                                        • Lusting at a woman makes you an adulterer. Also, hating someone makes you a murderer.
                                                                                                                        • Treat your enemies nicely, even to the point of letting them attack you or get away with your belongings.
                                                                                                                        • Getting antagonized for your belief in Christ is worthy of high rewards.
                                                                                                                        • If you love your life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life for Him, you will save it.
                                                                                                                        • Forgive everyone or else God won't forgive you (and will send you to hell).
                                                                                                                        • To redeem humanity, you must send your own Son (or yourself) to be tortured and killed.
                                                                                                                        • What makes you a truly good person worthy of heaven is believing that a deity sent His Son to be killed for your sins. So whether you've done good deeds like helping others and being nice to everyone or bad deeds like killing millions of people and being rude to everyone, you're still evil in God's eyes and you deserve to burn in hell forever!

                                                                                                                        If you made a depressing tragic life full of regrets and unwanted memories, then the replay of these memories would Mind Rape you to Absolute Despair Event Horizon, and you would become a Pessimist with low self-esteem. If you are a Pessimist, then you would expect the worst out of everything, and if you expect the worst out of everything, then you would conclude that you are in an inescapable Hell and therefore succumb to Absolute Despair. Your pessimism then projects an Absolute Terror Field that isolates yourself from the hope and light of God for all of eternity. God isn't an Evil Complete Monster who punishes you for being depressed, but rather, you distance yourself from the hope and light of God, Heaven, and everybody by isolating yourself in an Absolute Terror Field where your own depression torments your mind for eternity. This explains why suicide is the "Unforgivable Sin" and condemns you to "Hell" a depressed, tormented mind in Absolute Despair is already a Hell in itself. By committing suicide rather than trying to find resolution, you affirm that your life ends in a complete Tragedy, and give up any of your own hopes and opportunities to experience happiness.

                                                                                                                        God is always ready to offer therapeutic advice and forgive his Prodigal Sons, but ultimately, God prevents himself from interfering with other people's free will, and those who are trapped in their A.T. Fields of despair are the only ones who can free themselves from their prison. Heaven is nothing more than Nirvana/Contentment, the satisfaction that you did good in life and made yourself and others happy.

                                                                                                                        • This would go to explain the pride and fall: you'd get a swell head from being almost as powerful as God, and get tired with shouting Holy! Holy! forever. This also makes Archangel Michaeleven more of a badass.
                                                                                                                        • Parents who adopt children is symbolic of a God accepting a person to their kingdom after the person converts.
                                                                                                                        • Parents punishing their children for bad behavior or bad decisions is akin to God sending curses to His people for their sins.
                                                                                                                        • Parents are adults who control children while God is an immortal who controls the mortals.
                                                                                                                        • Parents who disown their children is akin to God throwing people to Hell.
                                                                                                                        • Children who complain about the parents' authority symbolizes non-believers who complain about the justice of God.
                                                                                                                        • Parents who aren't always there to help their children is akin to God allowing humanity to fend with problems they are able to solve.
                                                                                                                        • Parents who want their children to follow the family business symbolizes God wanting humanity to serve in the ministry.
                                                                                                                        • Children don't understand why parents act the way they act towards them just as humanity can't comprehend God's moral standards.
                                                                                                                        • Parents telling children not to be influenced by other people is symbolic to God warning His followers not to associate those who are not a part of their religion.
                                                                                                                        • It is obvious that this attempt backfired because the so-called Christian conservatives cared even less about Jesus' message and depicted him as the complete opposite: one who condemns anyone who "Loves thy Neighbour" into eternal torment. Gone Horribly Right does not even begin to describe this.
                                                                                                                        • Lucifer's fall was a stage act, and that's assuming they're even the same guy. Either the two are different entities and Satan pretended to be his most infamous brother to make it seem believable, or they are the same guy and he's a brilliant villain actor.
                                                                                                                        • If Satan is considered to be the Serpent, that's for believability. Given enough time, humanity would eventually choose to disobey God and eat the Fruit of Knowledge. As such, Satan knew that even if he did tempt them, in the long run nothing would change. As such, his conscious was cleared and spoke to Eve
                                                                                                                        • Trying to tempt Jesus was basically a PR stunt he worked for God. He'd pretend to want to turn Jesus to The Dark Side and people would be like "Look, Satan's trying to corrupt the Messiah! Clearly this is unequivocal proof that Jesus is the ultimate good and Satan is pure evil!"
                                                                                                                        • Revelations? The equivalent of a WWE tournament finale. Satan doesn't even care about being in Hell, because it was worth it to achieve his goals.

                                                                                                                        Zoroaster and Buddha are actually Shiva and Vishnu, respectively. They used to be gay lovers but had a falling-out, explaining a whole lot. Like the early Hebrews, the early Zoroastrians ascribed actual divinity to other gods, but instructed their followers not to worship them. Due to the particularly nasty effects of soma when consumed by humans, the "death" promised by Yahweh and the "godhood" promised by the serpent can be seen as a particularly nasty form of Exact Words. albeit, one that is quite compatible certain conceptions of divinity.

                                                                                                                        Because of this, Shiva had a Face–Heel Turn from the gods' usual shtick. His lover, Vishnu, did not, leading to the adversarial relationship between Ohrmazd/Yahweh and Ahriman/Satan in these new faiths, both of which were founded independently by Shiva in order to provide "corroborating evidence" that his ideal was the true one.

                                                                                                                        He was, on the other hand, not sufficiently removed from the ideals he sought to betray, making it easy for Vishnu, having since founded his own breakaway religion, to move in and "revise" the new faith according to his own ideals, resulting in the Trope Namer. tying the majority of all world religions together into a somewhat-literal Grey-and-Grey Morality, as all relevant faiths have a sort of "only one truth" attitude going on, but disagree significantly as to the nature of this truth:

                                                                                                                        Shiva favours authoritarianism in the guise of objectivism, rejecting "lies" while being somewhat arbitrary in declaring truth Vishnu favours annihilationism in the guise of mercy, promising a return to the bliss of "cosmic oneness", ExactWords. Vishnu thinks Shiva is a dictator. Shiva thinks Vishnu is crazy. Neither are necessarily wrong in this regard.

                                                                                                                        Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Taoism "versus" Christianity, Gnosticism, Buddhism is an historical example of Evil Versus Oblivion. Islam and Wicca are the result of particularly awkward GambitPileups. And of course, the other gods still exist, mind you. they're just having a little trouble getting a word in edge-wise, these days.

                                                                                                                        That's why he eventually settled on universal salvation, saves the trouble of trying to correctly identify everyone while they're on earth. And also why Heaven has a doorman even though nobody should be able to get in unless God wants them to, Saint Peter's the one checking his face-book to make sure they're actually who they say they are.


                                                                                                                        Watch the video: The Punishments of Tantalus u0026 Sisyphus - Greek Mythology Explained (November 2022).

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